A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, ―I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.‖ 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. ―We can't stand the sight of each other any longer‖ the father says. ―We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.‖ Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ―Like hell they're getting
divorced!‖ she shouts, ―I'll take care of this!‖ She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father ―You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?‖ and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking. Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Bris- bane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA ) A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA ) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the di- rections. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK ) A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do... Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA ) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK ) A: You are a British politician, right? Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany ) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA ) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA ) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of any- one walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Aus- tralia ? ( USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France ) A: Only at Christmas. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA ) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
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