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info@eastcorkjournal.ie Health & Beauty by SALLY O’REILLY “OMG I’m useless, stu-


pid, incompetent and I’ll never be happy”... Does that sound famil-


iar? How about - “I’m so


weak, unworthy - a total em- barrassment”... Or “My so-called friends


always use me, abandon me, judge me. Why do I keep end- ing up with people who turn out to be a*&holes?!” These are the thoughts bounce around


that


many a weary Irish head. They roar at us when we’re trying to be happy, or trying to sleep. You might have noticed them. You may be slight- ly aware of a pattern of things going wrong. Perhaps you are often afraid. Unable people, unable


to trust to trust


yourself. Maybe you’re sometimes volatile, un- steady. You might find it hard to stop overeating, self harming, drinking, smoking, gambling, ly- ing - even though you hate when other people do it. Perhaps you feel like


a victim. Powerless, and alone. And there’s probably a


good reason Have you ever consid-


ered that all of these be- haviours, thoughts and feelings may have been “learned” -taught


by


an invisible teacher that grew up in the house with you? That


scary


teacher’s name is Addic- tion. And that


teacher


has been busy - •


children are


Up to 104,000 currently


living in families ad- versely affected by alco- hol alone (Ref: Alcohol Action)


Have you been hurt by an alcoholic parent?


• Children of al-


coholics are four times more likely to become alcoholics and 50% will end up marrying an al- coholic. •


33% of chil-


dren of alcoholics go on to develop related prob- lems in adulthood. An addict harms him


or herself but worse, their behaviour harms the children around them. There is nothing fun-


damentally odd about the child of an alcohol- ic or addict. But their normal needs aren’t met because the parent, or both parents attend fully to their own needs first. And they do so in a dys- functional way. As a re- sult, children learn mal- adaptive (or ‘abnormal, even though I hate that word) ways of meeting their adaptive (normal) needs. They will under- standably suppress their normal feelings as a way to survive. And sadly, this is of-


ten a wise move. It can be dangerous to express your normal needs and feelings to a parent who is volatile and more in- terested in their wine or vodka than you and what happened in school today. In this way, children


of addicts will inadvert- ently place themselves in danger as they seek to have their needs met elsewhere. Because these children aren’t taught to deal with emotions in an adaptive way, they might internalise faulty messages like “I’m crap”


and grow up to be adults who allow themselves to be treated poorly. This teaches the child to con- trol, avoid or medicate -


avoidance and control. And by medicate


taking care of both I


mean, they too may de- velop an addiction. You too might develop an addiction.


What is an ACOA? ACOA refers to Adult


Child Of Alcoholic/Ad- dict. What we know now is that just as when we are in active addiction, when we are the children of addicts, there are cer- tain ways in which we behave that are astonish- ingly consistent. We call that ACOA syndrome. Why isn’t this more obvious - Many Irish teens and


adults don’t realise that their parents’ drinking is abnormal because alco- holic drinking and bing- ing has become normal- ised to such an extent. It’s not normal to drink every night, or to drink until you vomit - but it sure has become nor- malised, which is very different! And for a lot of people, they do know, but they are ashamed, and so don’t access the right support. This shame is utterly


undeserved and impris- oning. and what does it


mean? This means that


we have a lot of adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) who don’t re- alise they are ACOAs - and that


this will ex- plain lots of things they


haven’t been able to ex- plain. It also means that the dysfunction of an ACOA has a pattern, and that there is an actu- al well documented con- sistently observed reason for their particular set of behaviours. And it means there’s a solution! Identifying these traits


is half the work done! But it might be hard


work. Hard to notice, but also hard to ‘meet’ and process because of the pain that will inevitably be triggered. That said, every client I’ve worked with around these issues had expressed relief that there is a name for this. That it’s a ‘thing’ that’s logical and frankly, that they’re not crazy. You’re not crazy. If you had an alco- holic parent - or indeed grandparents (because your own parents many have learned the behav- iours without ever pick- ing up a drink) get a pen, take a breath, and try this checklist here: •


Is it difficult for


you to identify, under- stand, or express your feelings? •


yourself more extremely


Do you judge harshly


than you do others? •


of responsibility? •


yourself


Do you have an strong sense


Do you feel


guilty when you stand up for yourself ? •


Do you find afraid of


or


intimidated by people, particularly authority figures? •


Is the approv- Tel: 021 463 8000 • Email: info@eastcorkjournal.ie • Web: www.eastcorkjournal.ie


al of others often more important to you than your own preferences or beliefs? •


Are thrills and


excitement a necessary part of your life? •


difficult to have fun? •


Do you find it Does personal


criticism make you feel as though you’re being attacked? •


Are you often


told you’ve misinterpret- ed someone’s intentions? •


Do you often


find yourself feeling iso- lated and alone? •


When things


go badly, do you feel like a victim? •


Can you an-


swer ‘yes’ to a lot of questions found on an “are you an alcoholic” questionnaire


although


you never pick up a drink? •


Are you more


concerned for/ do more for others than for your- self ? •


yourself constantly try- ing to rescue


Do you find others,


whether it’s a friend, rel- ative or lover? •


comfortable


macy? •


Do you find


yourself hanging onto relationships that aren’t healthy (and rejecting those that could be?) •


confused pity for love? •


Have you ever Are you cur-


rently involved with an alcoholic? •


Are you or


have you been closely in- volved with any kind of compulsive personality -


Are you un- with inti-


such as a workaholic? •


(Questionnaire adapt- Do you feel


different from other peo- ple? •


Do you have a


drink/drug problem? Now - add up your


score - 1 for every ‘yes’: 0 - 6 You’re handling


things very well. Just keep an eye on yourself to make sure you don’t fall into potential trou- ble zones. Examine your answers and see if they have a theme. Look at the issues that create the most problems, whether it be in your relation- ships (questions 13 - 20), or struggling with your own identity (questions 1-12). 7 - 14 Things aren’t


terrible, but they could be better. No need to settle for “not terrible,” however. Make the effort to raise your self-esteem and clear out the obsta- cles that are getting in the way of fulfilling your dreams. 15 - 21 The past is


casting a heavy shad- ow over you. Sadness, fear, and frustration rear their heads all too often. Don’t sweep your feel- ings under the rug. It’s time to face what’s going on so that you can turn it around. Get out from under by getting help. It is possible to change old patterns! Yes to #21 You are fol-


lowing in your parent’s footsteps. Don’t let your parent’s addiction over- whelm your life. Don’t give up on yourself. To stop the cycle, seek help now.


eastcorkjournal


ed from a piece by Mark Siechel drawing on work by Dr Jan Wiutitz) The (very) good news: This is all workable.


If this piece resonates with you, you are cer- tainly not alone. Talk to a professional, there is no shame. Read about it - there’s LOTS written about this. Know that most


psychotherapists


will be aware of ACOA syndrome, if not all. You deserve a way out of this and to know that there is a way out this. You are not a pathology - you have been reacting nor- mally to an abnormal situation all along. And you are resilient. I know this, because


you are reading this, and you have survived.


Sally O’Reilly is a Psy-


chologist, Psychothera- pist & Clinical Supervi- sor in private practice in East Cork with twenty years’ full time experi- ence. She has a special interest in working with teenagers and writes for Voiceboks.com, Fam- ilyFriendlyHQ.com as well as her own blog sal- lyoreilly.com. For more info contact her through her site, on 0872338804 or on Twitter @psycho- sal. Mail editor@east- corkjournal.ie or tweet to @psychosal using the hashtag #ECJQ with any suggestions for fu- ture topics.


Thursday, 26th


July 2018


@eastcorkjournal / #eastcorkjournal


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