Issue 29 / July 2011
Issue 30 / August 2011 AGONY AUNT AGONY AUNT
Got a problem? Write to Aunty Margaret and she’ll tell you why.
Dear Aunty Margaret,
I’ve got a University ball coming up soon and I still haven’t got a date! All my friends have already been asked out by boys but I’m still on the shelf. I’m now just considering reversing the roles and asking some boys out myself. How should I go about it?
You’ve got three reliable options here:
1 - Approach your male of choice and say, “Hey, can you read this out loud? Don’t fucking think about it
just do it!” Then hand him a note that says “Wanna be my date to the ball?” on it. When he’s read it you respond “You’re asking me?! Aww, yes, I’d love to!” Done.
2 - Ask the local hobo outside your University halls. He will do it in exchange for a pukka pie and a can of Strongbow Super. Also, you can just dress him up in one of the tracksuits your little brother recently looted and all your mates will be none the wiser.
3 - Get your desired man’s number. Ring him up at around 4 or 5 in the AM. When he answers, disguise your voice with one of those voice disguisers (you can get them at most pound shops these days) and tell him, “We have your sister.” Pause. “Unless you do exactly as we say, I’m going to gouge out one of her eyeballs using a spork. Do you understand?” Then put his sister on the phone and give her a swift punch to the temple or something to make her shout in pain. At this point the guy will
probably lose his rag and start shouting “OH GOD, PLEASE DONT HURT HER! OH JESUS! I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!” And, when you hear these words, that’s when you know you’ve got yourself a date. Take a second to congratulate yourself in your head. Job’s not done yet though. Now, you crack onto the most vital part: “Tomorrow, you will go to school, you will find *****, you will ask her out to the ball. When the ball comes around you will collect her from her halls in a limo and take her to the ball. After the ball you will take her to the nicest hotel your parents credit card can afford. Understood?” At this point he will almost definitely agree to the whole thing although you might have to repeat some details, you have just woken him up and startled him in the middle of the night after all.
All of these techniques have worked time after time for me. All I have to say is: you’re welcome.
Dear Aunty Margaret,
My boyfriend has developed an obsession with Mike ‘The Situation’ from Jersey Shore. He literally idolises him and has even started calling himself “the status”. I’m literally desperate for advice, my bed sheets are
now always stained with his fake tan and I cant get the smell of his Ed Hardy cologne out of my clothes. HELP.
Dump him. ASAP.
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