Issue 30 / August 2011
From overdraft to witchcraft Banker-turned-witch doctor rejects the shackles of modern society
After an arduous three months of intensive training, British banking consultant Thomas Heathfield, 32, has suc- cessfully made the age-old transition from banker
to...er, witch doctor in the South African bush. Thomas, or Gogo Mndawe as he is now called, gave up his job as a banker to train as a ‘sangoma’; stages of the training included
relinquishing sleep for three days, dancing for the tribal an- cestors and regurgitating goats’ blood. “It’s not something you just decide to do – it chooses you rather than the other way round,” he explained. “Having said that, I really miss Starbucks coffee.” Really? That’s what you miss?
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STOP MONKEYING AROUND!
Camera-stealing monkey takes self portraits
A camera-savvy crested black macaque recently made headlines after becoming acquainted with award-winning British photographer David Slater in Indonesia. The inquisitive monkey became fascinated with his reflection in the lens of Slater’s camera and proceeded to try his hand at photography, snapping almost one hundred shots of himself grinning into the lens. “It was amazing to watch”, Slater exclaimed; the pictures have been featured in the news worldwide and have even launched debates about the true copyright owner! Now how about that for monkey business!
VIKING BLING
Ancient Viking marauders accessorised with filed tooth patterns
Modern dental fashion covers myriad forms of eye- catching options, from extreme teeth-whitening to inlaid precious stones and gold caps. However a new archaeological discovery has prompted the theory that this fascination with mouth ornamentation extends back to the Vikings, when warriors would have skilfully crafted patterns filed into their front teeth - an undoubt- edly agonising process. David Score of Oxford Archaeol- ogy said: “The purpose behind filed teeth may have been to frighten opponents in battle or to show their status as a great fighter.” Sadly their intimidating intentions were doomed to failure as the entire Viking group was found as a mass of critically war-wounded skeletons. Sorry fellas.
You say Iceland, I
say...penis?
Museum in Iceland boasting largest collection of penises in the world finally gets hands on a human specimen
Iceland’s Phallological Museum, home to the world’s most extensive penis collection (nearly 300 phalluses!) is now the proud possessor of a human specimen. The museum has acquired willies from almost every Tom, Dick and Harry in the country’s mammal world, and now from one Pall Aversan of the Homo Sapiens who, upon his death aged 95, gave permission for his manhood to be preserved and gawped at by museum-goers. Unfortunately, it appears that the curators don’t appreciate visitors snickering, encouraging individuals to undertake “serious study into the field of phallology in an organised, scientific fashion.” Perhaps it’s best we don’t make a visit then...
Breast milk ice cream confiscated
British councillors snatch breast milk from The Icecreamists like candy from a baby Enjoyed your cereal this morning? Whatever your favourite morning, midday or evening choice of chow, it is likely to contain some sort of bodily fluid originating in the farmyard. It is accepted to regularly consume fluids from other species without a second thought, so The Icecreamists, a London- based dessert company, recently created the ‘Baby Gaga’ - ice cream made with human breast milk! It was, however, deemed unsuitable for human consumption soon after by The British Council. Well, if it’s good enough for the little ones, it’s good enough for... Actually... Perhaps we’ll just stick to the cows’ milk for now!
Who’s been saying what online this month? We name, fame and shame celebs mouthing off in cyberspace. You are what you tweet.
@Ms_Dynamite - Ms Dynamite @fabriclondon GOIN INNN AS ALWAYS!!! Big up @urban_nerds too!!! Smashing the dance and STILL find-
ing time to tweet, she’s the master of time management
@WayneRooney - Wayne Rooney @piersmorgan shut up u egg and get out of cowells hole. Won’t tell u again. Pipe down Wayne, this isn’t X Factor
- FIFA edition
@Skepta - Skepta Today’s Lesson: Do NOT switch a Jacuzzi on until the water level is above all the bubble vents... F*%K!!! SHIT!!! ARRGGHH!! You live and you learn, but you’ve
AUGUST’S WACKY HEADLINES
Does not include balloons: Real life Disney ‘Up’ house goes on sale for $400,000 HDLNS
Watch out for the steed camera! Runaway horse is flashed as he jumps red lights and gallops along busy road Daily Mail
‘Yummy Mummy Makeover’ holiday includes flight, hotel and breast lift Metro
Royal crumpet! Artist creates collage of Pippa Middleton using 15,000 breakfast snacks Daily Mail
Museum in Iceland is home to world’s biggest col- lection of penises Metro
Japanese businessmen’s tie doubles as a pillow Telegraph
Men want cuddles but women prefer sex, survey finds The rapid news
Indian temple elephants to go on ‘spa’ holiday Telegraph
Man makes police mugshot statement with ‘F*** You’ written on forehead Metro
made it sound TERRIBLE. Quit the drama
@DJHATCHA - Hatcha Gna b mashing up fabric tomoz on me cruches,should b interesting Well if you’re lucky, less than 10 of your mates will have taken a pic of that
@Moanhawke - Hudson Mohawke If you piss in the sink while the taps running it goes all foamy. Learn something new every day.
Oh... We won’t tell Skepta don’t worry ;)
@willyferrel - Will Ferrell The whole Harry Potter saga turns out to be Harry’s dreams and hallucinations while he starves to death under the stairs in his abusive home Childish dreams of being a wizard
crushed. Thanks Will
@SnoopDogg - Snoop Dogg #everybodyhasthat1follower that dont pass d blunt That’s right reader... That’s you. It’s puff puff pass don’t cha know!
@rhawtin - Richie Hawtin Nothing like a 7am dip in the Sea to wake up old(er) Ravers! Cornish Kippers for Breakfast and then 9 am meetings... We know you’re an original kind of guy but seriously... Are you mad?!
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