KINGDOM 2
‘So I thought I’d just carry on, us being friends, Paul and me. I thought I could make it work. But it was so diffi cult never being able to say what I really felt. It made me feel so hopeless sometimes. I mean, even if Paul were gay too you could never ever come out at our school. You can call any of the guys any four-letter word you choose and they don’t blink, but call one of them gay and he’ll punch your head in, even if he is. I used to get called gay a lot because I’m arty and swotty and not too good at football, but they didn’t really mean it. Paul called me hopelessly gay whenever I muffed a football move, but it was OK if I just laughed and clowned around with limp wrists, going whoopsie all the time to try to be part of the joke.’
‘Carl, how can you love someone who treats you like that?’
‘But I keep telling you, he didn’t mean it. He didn’t dream I was really gay. He always went on and on about girls and what he’d like to do to them so I did too.’ ‘About me?’
‘No!’ he said. ‘I’d never talk about you like that, Sylvie, you know I wouldn’t.’ He said it fi ercely, to be reassuring. ‘So who did you talk about?’ ‘Oh. Just anyone. it was all so stupid and tacky. Whoever came into my head.’ ‘Miranda.’ ‘Well, she was an obvious candidate.’ ‘Did you tell Paul about kissing her at the party?’ ‘Yes, I did vaguely mention it.’ ‘So what did you tell him it was like?’
‘Oh, Sylvie, I can’t remember. It didn’t mean anything to me. It felt a bit weird and threatening, if you really want to know. She opened her mouth so wide I thought she was going to swallow me whole. Plus she was wearing all this slippery lipstick. I was scared she was going to get it all over me. It tasted disgusting.’
I felt a pang for Miranda, but I couldn’t help being pleased.
‘So you tried to set Paul up with her instead?’
‘I know it was mad and stupid but I hoped that the four of us could be friends and all go round together. It seemed a great idea at the time. I mean, I love Paul, I love you, you like Miranda, she likes any boy who pays her attention. I thought it might work.’
The Glass Hut whirled round me as I replayed what he’d said inside my head.
‘You love me?’ I whispered.
‘Yes! Of course I love you, Sylvie. You know how much you mean to me. You’re the one and only girl for me, ever. You know that.’
‘But you’re not in love with me?’
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