Embracing a Mystery Relationship at the Thresholds
Of Life And Death by Ted Usatynski and Nancee Sobonya
“We have learned that dancing in the thresholds of connection
and loss is
unpredictable. You never know what will arise. There is no limit to the searing traumatic pain of losing a child. There is no limit to how far we fall into despair when our life partner is no longer embodied. There is no limit to the grace that Hospice workers witness as they assist in yet another transition. There is no limit to the intimacy that the human soul can experience. And there is no limit to the ocean of tears shed by humanity on any given day.” —Ted Usatynski and Nancee Sobonya
When someone we love passes from earthly life, our hearts are flooded with an intense wave of feelings: grief, loss, bereavement. For humans, as well as some mammals, these are some of the most powerful emotional experiences of our lives. It’s as if our very being has split open. Our heart bursts apart in a desperate cry of anguish. In modern Western cultures, it is common to believe this is the worst experience a person can endure. We challenge this belief. Without denying
the reality of
the unspeakable pain of losing a loved one, we want to introduce a complimentary perspective: that
the
intensity of feeling that we experience in grief is also filled with experiences of gratitude, compassion, intimacy, beauty, connection and profound mystery. We recognize this idea might be
new, even shocking, to some. But in our work over the last few decades with people who are grieving and in the dying process, the truth of this concept has become increasingly apparent. We have often witnessed how simply making room
for experiences of pleasure,
openness and contact has helped many individuals open to the experience of physical death in a more holistic way. Grief, while unquestionably painful, can also be a doorway to growth, insight and transformation. And these potentials can be developed and explored.
12 The Door Opener
First, we want to acknowledge
that every transition from life to death is personal and unique. Each of us experiences a different blend of thoughts, emotions and sensations. Our cultural beliefs also exert a direct impact on how we understand and feel about death. In this country and other developed nations, there are many cultural mores we tend to follow automatically. These behaviors and attitudes shape how we relate to people in the grieving process. Funerals or memorial services are ways we honor our grief. The common cultural expectation of this gathering of family and friends is to mark the closure of that grief. Yet after the memorial people often describe feeling “on their own,” “isolated,” “on a new journey without a map.” Our work has shown us that we are not made to grieve alone. Traditional peoples understood the natural, powerful sacredness of grief and gathered in community to perform rich ceremonies that helped honor and release the totality of one’s grief. We have learned that the healing process depends on the relational capacities of the human soul. Sharing the vulnerability of our hearts (our stories of love and loss) in community helps to develop the resources that sustain us, those inner places where we find
strength, love connection and support.
Staying Open In our work, we have seen that an attitude
of openness to the complex
whirlwind of feelings of the grieving process—from sublime to heart- wrenching—is essential. This attitude creates a relational context that fosters optimal conditions for healing and deep transformation for everyone involved in the dying process. We feel there are three essential ingredients to creating and sustaining an attitude of openness:
1) Mindfulness. A daily practice of meditation and/or prayer, as well as physical mindfulness practices like yoga, contribute to well-being at every level—physical, psychological and spiritual. There is overwhelming scientific evidence that these practices develop the capacities of emotional regulation, impulse control, and the ability to tolerate intense emotional expression in others. These capacities are vital for helping yourself and others navigate the impact of losing a loved one. They open the door to exploring the exquisite potentials of human consciousness that arise at the thresholds of life and death. This is true for the person who is dying as well as for those intimately connected to the process.
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