Where You Are “Coming From” is More Important than What You Say Studies have shown that around 20% of what people “get” in conversation is from the words. The other 80% is what I call the “energetics,” where you are coming from (what you are really feeling) when you say what you say. So, regardless of what you are saying, the energy of what you are saying can either be from a place of war/conflict, or from a heart of peace… and this is what determines the outcome.
that you need to say – this approach helps you to get to the deepest truth, and say it from a most powerful place.
Getting Started Remembering that where you’re coming from is more important than what you say or any “script,” sometimes it’s useful to imagine the words you’d need to start a conversation. Here are two examples of how to start a conversation in a new direction, from a new place, (without ambushing the other person):
• There’s an issue I’d like to talk about with you – can we take a few minutes without being distracted?
• I’ve been “in the box” about something with you, and I’m ready to talk with you about it from a better place…
Final Note: In Relationship, You are Destined to Trigger Each Other
My belief is that we are here on earth, alive, with a Spiritual goal – to grow. Relationship is the hardest work we have in life, and it’s where the most growth comes from. Each unfinished place we have gets brought up and out by our partner as an opportunity for healing when we are ready.
:-)
Choose to Open the Door It’s your choice. When you are “in the box,” the situation isn’t likely to get better; it will probably get worse. To resolve a longstanding dispute, you’ll need to get out of the box; you’ll need to bring your heart back to a place of peace. This requires increased self awareness, and processing the feelings you have that have kept you “in the box.” Here’s a summary of the steps:
1. Awareness: notice your “in the box” behaviors when they occur (building a case against someone, concerned only about yourself, seeing others as an object to fulfill your needs)
2. Do something that brings you back to a peaceful, settled internal state (recall a time you were out of the box & felt safe; do breathing, yoga, meditation, tai chi, use EFT, the Emotional Freedom Technique)
3. Look inside yourself, find how you got “in the box.” Then, go deeper. What old unfinished places in you have been touched that trigger you? And, how have you not done what you felt drawn to do, resulting in a need to justify yourself, make someone else wrong?
4. Look outside yourself: what’s your role, how have you contributed to the current issue?
5. After looking at and feeling complete with 1 through 4 above, think of what you appreciate about the person with whom you are in conflict. When you are at peace in your heart, then and only then, take responsibility by telling the other person – about your role in the situation, how you feel (not blame), and what you are requesting.
It is often misunderstood that this approach is about being “soft” – that “hard messages” just can’t come from such a place. This couldn’t be further from the truth! In fact, this is the best way to say what you need to say. Whatever truth it is
Cris Jacobs is a Life Change Coach in West Hartford, at HFI’s Center for Healing Arts. He has been helping clients transform their lives, relationships, and careers since he transitioned from his corporate career in 1997. His approach blends real world corporate experience (20 years in Investments and Finance), the Psychology and Spirituality of Core Energetics (body-oriented psychology), and the practicality of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). Cris graduated from the four-year Training Program at the Institute of Core Energetics in NYC in 2000, where he studied with the founder, Dr. John Pierrakos. In addition to his Core Energetics Certification, Cris also completed advanced training in EFT (the Emotional Freedom Technique), completed Phase 1 of HFI’s Professional Training in Body-Oriented Psychotherapy and Subtle Energy Healing, as well as 2 years at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing. Cris’s traditional education includes an MBA (Tuck) and an undergraduate degree in Psychology & Economics (Duke). Cris coaches individuals and couples, Monday through Friday at HFI’s Center For Healing Arts in West Hartford. He can be reached by phone at (860) 559-5946; or by email at
cris@LifeChgCoach.com.
December 2013 – February 2014 11
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