Resolving Relationship Conflicts by “Getting
Out of the Box” Where You’re “Coming From” is More Important Than What You Say by Cris Jacobs
How many times have you gotten into a disagreement with someone close, and given up because you have that hopeless feeling that you’d never really be heard? In couples, it happens often, with both people feeling frustrated, leading to buried resentments that keep coming back. Luckily, there’s a solution, something called “getting out of the box.”
Here’s a typical situation that I hear over and over from clients (and frustrated me in my life until I started to learn about this kind of approach).
In a relationship, one person says: You make me so mad! You did (fill in the latest) to me, and you do it all the time. What you said was so hurtful, it ruined my day. You always do that; you won’t let me have any fun.
The second person responds: I did not do anything. But now that you mention it, I have been mad at you for (fill in here too). So all I did was answer your question, and then I backed off. I’ve been so mad I’d rather just be by myself when I feel this way.
Person 1: You don’t see it, what you did..., it is your fault! And you get that nasty tone in your voice; I can’t stand it when you get that way.
Person 2:
No, I didn’t do that. It’s not my fault, I’m tired of everything being my fault. I can‘t even talk to you.
Sound familiar? The content can change, but the argument usually de-volves to:
1st person: It’s your fault; I’m right, you’re wrong 2nd person: No, it’s your fault; YOU are wrong
Often A New Deeper Solution is Needed When disagreements have been recurring, we’ve often tried many solutions. First, we attempt to deal with and correct what the other person did “wrong.” Then second, we try to help things go right: communicating more clearly, building the relationship in other areas, showing empathy – understanding the other person’s perspective, or even talking with other people that may influence your partner. These solutions are all very rational; when they don’t work, a different, deeper approach is required. This different approach is about “where you are coming from,” the energy of what you are doing – rather than the action steps you take and the words you use.
10 The Door Opener
When you’re “in the box”, you are: • Coming From Your Least Evolved Place, even if you are “acting nice”
• Susceptible to Blind Spots, Self Deception, Collusion • Decisions and Actions Often Based on Unconscious Irrelevant Criteria
Importantly, when you’re “in the box,” you are acting as if you’d rather be right, you’d rather win – than be happy… and you are closing the door to the connection and happiness that you really want.
Holistic Medicine is based on the principle that emotions and corresponding energetic disruptions are behind most illness. Guess what, it’s true in your life and your relationships, too!
When You Are “In the Box” in a Conflict, it’s Like You Are Bringing a Virus to the Situation In relationships, when you are “triggered,” energetic disruptions from past unfinished childhood experiences are brought to the surface for healing – and you are in a situation called “in the box.” In this situation, it’s like we have a virus – it’s sometimes called an “amygdala hijacking” – and we are thrown back in our history and come from our most un-evolved defensive place.
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