OFF TRACK SPOKES
Rapha debuts in Ann Summers
When Chris Froome tweeted a pic of himself in ‘bicycle lingerie’, the inter-webs went into bike porn meltdown, reports Carlton Reid. But where were the puns?
CHRIS FROOME has got balls. It took chutzpah for him, on New Year’s Eve, to post a Twitter picture wearing the new Team Sky skin-suit. “Trying out my new 2014 @TeamSky kit. The skin suit takes #marginalgains to the next level,” he said, no doubt with shovel-fulls of self-aware irony. “When Dave Brailsford promised transparency…” joked @inrng on Twitter, with the ellipsis meaning he didn’t reckon the Team Sky boss had in mind see-through bicycle lingerie. No doubt you could sell this kit in your shop (there’s a
demographic for everything) but it’s not being made commercially available, it’s team-only. This is bad for your tills, a Good Thing for cycling. It’s shonky enough for cyclists to break
Velorminati.com’s rules 16 and 17 – “Championship and race leader jerseys must only be worn if you’ve won the championship or led the race” and “Wearing Pro team kit is also questionable if you're not paid to wear it” – a sentiment probably not well liked by bike shops eager to sell replica kit, but to see tubby 50 year olds in kit that even Knog wouldn’t be able to advertise successfully would have been a Lycra Pout step too far. When a stick-thin whippet can’t, er, pull it off, you know this is fetish garb – sans clementine in the gob – that even some Tory MPs might baulk at. If MAMILs started wearing this kit, can you imagine the frothing at the mouth from the tabloids? As it was, the Daily Mail was relatively kind, with,
amazingly, no double-entendres whatsoever when it reported Froome’s tweet. The mild headline on the Mail’s website read: “Team Sky cyclists reveal their new racy little number that leaves little to the imagination.” (Cyclists? Plural? Have any other Team Sky riders been spotted in the kit? Oh, and I guess the press launch for the Sky women’s team will be over-subscribed). Byron over on
Bikehugger.com was less kind: “It's the 50+
white, male, disposable-income market they're after, but find themselves on an eating disorder Tumblr for teen girls. How racing can take itself seriously in 2014, when a sexy skinsuit
is what they're selling, I don't know…Marginal gains in marketshare and relevance to bike shops.” Scraper sites were also having a field day, with
dlisted.com – and other copy-catters – calling Froome the “Hot Slut Of The Day!”, with new-to-cycle-clothing commenters beneath making references to nipples that, sadly, had nothing whatsoever to do with spoke tightening. Getting back to the mainstream, Belgian TV sports
website
Sporza.com wrote: “Froome wil Tour van 2014 winnen in pantypak”, which sounds gloriously pervy without being mangled by Google Translate. Boringly,
Eurosport.fr went with “ils ont tous réveillonné sur Tweeter,” which is even more dull than the Daily Mail’s limp offering. Really, I despair of the press. They could have had an
awful lot more fun with this subject.
BikeRadar.com was another weak ‘un: “We'll be seeing a lot more of Tour de France champion Chris Froome this year – quite literally…” At least the angle taken by journalist Shane Stokes was
cerebral and not at all zoophiliac (Don’t Google that from a work machine). He wrote: “Garmin Sharp kit: protecting necessary bears. Sky TT kit: protecting bare necessities.” Mind you, to get the pun you had to know that Garmin Sharp kit now features the World Wildlife Fund’s panda. Way out in front with the best headline was
Road.cc,
with: “Chris Froome extends with Sky.” [No, hang on, that was for a pre-Christmas story about contract renewal]. Chris ‘Burlesque’ Froome was poking fun at himself but, shorn of the context, you’ll be seeing a lot of that pic from now on. It’ll be one of the results when you type ‘bike porn’ into a search engine. It will join the assorted photos of a starkers Victoria Pendleton, hunched over her bike. The photos of gleaming, expensive bicycle parts (“Phwoarrr! Get ‘em on for the lads!”); and, I am shuddering on your behalf here, photos from ten years of World Naked Bike Rides. So, thanks, Chris. Next time, stuff some team-issue socks down there.
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Wondering what the Twitterati have been up to this month? Look no further...
#Cycling Minister reckons ‘lycra mob’ are as responsible
for lack of ‘everyday’ cyclists as traffic risk. Evidence-based policy in action!
@PollardTom
LBC presenter complained about cyclists on pavement
“against Highway Act”. I said cars break exact same law by parking on pavements. @CarltonReid
Five English speaking (BMX) mags
though...in 2014...I mean
really, give it up gentlemen, that pie is way too split up now...
@NathanBeddows
I’m such a light snob. “Your rear light is only 70 lumens?
Pfft my phone screen makes more than that.”
@CycleGaz
A pricey hot choc but am sure I got my money’s worth in
terms of WiFi – a rep’s life. @kingerstu
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