Jeremy Clark
Mumbo Jumbo Jeremy Clark hits back at the airlines’ slogan makers and sales babble.
clarkjeremy@hotmail.co.uk
Those of you who read this column regularly believe I am on a one-man mission to moan about everything to do with travel. I’m pleased
to inform you that this policy extends way beyond travel. Someone has to! Now, as the trade show and marketing season is upon us once more, I’m taking on the lunatic world of marketing mumbo jumbo that surely drives us all mad. Unlike the chef’s flowery language of menu descriptions which I dealt with recently, marketing claptrap is inescapable and, I’m afraid to say, the airlines are just as guilty as any other sector. In an attempt to make products and services more memorable, PR/advertising consultants come up with ever more bizarre phrases. In the good old days we had catchy one-liners, which were clear like ‘Go Well, Go Shell’ or ‘Have a Break, Have a Kit-Kat’.
But now, in an attempt to gain our attention, the marketing mafia has a whole range of banal or baffling straplines that are supposed to impress us with their profoundness. How about this: ‘Monetorising The Customer Touchpoint’. This translated means, ‘vacuuming cash from everyone, everywhere’, although I am uncertain that ‘monetorising’ and ‘touchpoint’ are real words. And here’s one from Microsoft, ‘Where do you want to go today?’ (To the Apple store please). We are also now bombarded with companies which want to ‘reach out’ to us; create ‘a global creative community’,or tell you that ‘I’m lovin’ it’, which I assure you, I’m not! And so we come to the airlines who are not immune from this twaddle, using it to try and describe a product in five words or less. Can you identify the airline by the phrase? I have added my own responses. Answers below. 1. We know why you fly. Because it’s too far to walk.
2. You’ll love the way we fly. Really? Is there 38
www.onboardhospitality.com
another way?
3. We’re flying better than ever. Oh? How badly were you flying before? 4. Defy obstacles. Gee, let’s hope so! 5. Good goes around. I don’t want to go-around. I want to land.
I know it must be hard, given that they all do the same thing, but are all these dumb phrases really needed? Think back to the good old ones: ‘All the way, with TWA’ and ‘Pan Am makes the going great’. Or how about: ‘I’m Tammy – fly me!’. Or, ‘We really move our tails for you’ (Continental), hmmm – perhaps not. And predictably, ‘Fly cheaper’ (guess who). Watch out for translations too. When American wanted to advertise its new leather seats in First on the Mexican market, it
translated: ‘Fly in leather’ literally, which meant ‘Fly naked’ (vuela en cuero) in Spanish! Iberia claims to be: ‘One of the world’s best airlines’, which sounds like it isn’t 100% sure; and Bangkok Airways says it offers an ‘Exclusive service to exotic gems’ but although I’ve looked on the map I just can’t find that destination.
I long for a day free of inane sales-babble from companies who tell me that I ‘can’t beat the feeling’ or that I should slather myself in perfume because I’m ‘worth it’. Perhaps what I need is a slogan for myself: ‘Make me happy, make my day – please shut up, and go away’!
1. American, 2. Delta, 3. Pan Am, 4. Air Canada, 5-Delta
www.nickbremer.com
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