Jeremy Clark
Delivering good grub Jeremy Clark challenges airline chefs to keep it simple. Email comments to:
clarkjeremy@hotmail.co.uk
So this is our 50th issue. Wow! And to celebrate this auspicious occasion, I am going to alienate an entire race of people and probably
condemn myself to a diet of Heinz Baked Beans with an egg, if I’m lucky. I have held out long enough but now I feel it
is time to speak out. My focus is ‘chefs’ including airline chefs and their finicky, over-blown, faffed-around-with, itty-bitty, uber-described, pretentious nonsense that should be nothing more than a plate of decent well-prepared grub. Now, I know what you’re thinking; “hang on a sec, weren’t you one of these chaps too?”. ‘Tis true dear reader, for years I was. So, unlike 95% of food critics, I know what I’m talking about. There are two main issues. Firstly, and the
airlines are perhaps less guilty of this, is the habit of presenting food on plates the size of an inter-stellar radar but with the stuff all piled up in the middle like a Jenga set. At first stab it disintegrates into a train wreck. Worse is the smidgeon of sauce that looks as if the chef dropped a spoonful on the plate, thought the better of it, and tried to scoop it off again. If the dish has sauce, then give me enough to dip my chips in, preferably in a jug. The insanity of the single spinach leaf-
wrapped asparagus spear; three peas in an artichoke bottom; a single slice of mushroom balanced on a julienne of fried celeriac – what’s that all about? Number two on my list (and now listen up airline chefs) is the flowery, arty-farty, complete misuse of the English language to describe these ridiculous creations. Aboard one flight recently I was offered: “Pan-fried breaded goujons of line-caught cod served atop a sumptuous creamy puree of selected Idaho potato infused with a hint of dill”. In other words: “Fish fingers and mash”. I have seen imported smoked salmon described as “Air-flown”... or: “FED-EXed.” Other nonsense that should be banned
includes: “Drizzled” (poured), “Mélange,” (mixed), “Freshly Prepared” (who are they kidding?), “Oven-Roasted” (where else?), “Wilted” (been-in-fridge-too-long). One airline invites its premium passengers to “Indulge in sheer culinary bliss” and “A culinary expression of nature’s changing beauty through the seasons”. Oh perleeze! People board aircraft not because they are desperate to sample the chef’s signature sauce but to travel from A to B, comfortably and without crashing. I am not saying they don’t want food. Quite
the contrary, food – or the lack of it, is a huge issue for travellers. The jury is still out as to the real value to airlines of cutting food services. In my extensive experience, good airline food
must tick these five boxes: 1. Right meal for the time of day 2. Something we recognise 3. Something we like 4. Easy to serve 5. Doesn’t leave a trail of irremovable stains across my shirt and trousers.
The Hairy Bikers. Television chefs famous for delivering hearty, honest grub to the UK, and potential inspiration for those chefs still drizzling and wilting out there.
What I don’t want is to be the subject of an
experiment by pretentious chefs determined to foist their inedible concoctions on a captive audience. Unlike being at the Savoy, I can’t get up and walk out if I don’t like the menu. Not without a parachute anyway. So I appeal to those of you tasked with feeding
us in the air. Follow my five simple steps above and you can’t go wrong. If you need more help, I am available and my rates are reasonable. Now I am off for some hand-picked finest Ceylon Lapsang Souchong infused with oil of Bergamot accompanied by finest Scottish Highland butter shortbread sprinkled with... that’s a cup of tea and a biscuit to you. If you have examples of uber-described
nonsense onboard, please send them to me. I am very happy to publicly shame the worst offenders! Follow Jeremy on twitter @trayset
NB: The views expressed by contributors in OnBoard Hospitality are not necessarily those of the Editors or the publishers.
www.onboardhospitality.com 45
www.nickbremer.com
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