person you’ve always dreamt of being in health, fitness, money, and in your career. Pour your focus and new energetics into those pursuits; it’s also a great time to clearly define the type of person that you want as a friend. A critical factor in detaching from someone is to take off the rose-colored glasses. We have this uncanny ability to see the person of our affection in nothing but a positive light and we forget the downside, which is they don’t choose us. And why, in a million years, would someone with self-respect and self-love choose somebody who does not or no longer chooses them for whatever reason? We also lose site of their own shortcomings and things that were not good for us. What we want to do is define who and what type of people
we want in our lives, not just in a romantic sense, but in a friend- ship sense, and begin to put ourselves out there in a way that helps us develop those concepts. If you are an individual who finds yourself without friends because you’ve been in a long-term relationship, you want to cultivate connections with people of the same sex, or with people whom you are not romantically interested in, so that you can develop real friendship and support. This is necessary because many people will try to replace one romantic relationship with another romantic relationship and find themselves in the same situation, with the same issues within months or years. Not only do you want to define for yourself at this time the relationship that you desire romanti- cally, but also you want to define the type of friends that you want.
Final Thoughts Just like you want to rewrite your stories about some of the fairy tales around what relationships are supposed to be like, you
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also want to finally rewrite your story around the idea of relation- ships in general. Relationships are perhaps one of the best ways to amplify and speed up self-actualization. Research shows there are three things that are most determinant of success: your abil- ity to believe in yourself, the ability of others to believe in you, and your ability to see stress, loss, and grief as growth-enhancing. One of those key points is other people’s belief in you. Ob-
viously you take a big hit when you lose someone who is close to you, who will no longer provide that belief. When you go through this, you want to bolster your belief in yourself by talking about your worthiness and working on self-love. You want to create a new social structure with good friends, whom you have no romantic interest. You also want to cultivate the idea that loss is one of the greatest teachers. An idea exists when you lose somebody close to you roman- tically that sounds like this: “Oh, it’s about them and not you.” What I would say is there’s truth to that statement, but it also contains some untruth. If you can see that it IS about you, and it’s an opportunity to make yourself better. If you saw parts of yourself in the relationship that were not kind, not loving, or were neglectful, or any of those things; now is the time to recognize and fix them, not with the hope of reuniting with this person, but with the mindset of growing and getting better.
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