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him or her. But the fact remains, you want to remove as many of the reminders of this person as possible. That frequently requires some things that may seem, at first glance, childish, such as blocking or erasing their phone number, and removing them from your social media platforms. These actions are necessary because you do not want to engage in behaviors that remind you of this individual. While it may seem petty on the surface, it is an absolute essential first step for the brain to disconnect. You want to remove this person from
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your daily thought processes, and get him/ her out of your reminder bank. This process involves cleaning house, so to speak, get- ting rid of old photos, deleting social media contacts, erasing old text messages, doing away with old love letters and gen- erally removing them from your mental space so you don’t have reminders. Some people even like to make a ritual out of this process. Regardless of how you do it, it must be done.
After this process, you want to begin to do things differently. There are certain activities that you participated in together. Things like restaurants where you dined, or maybe hiking together, traveled to a certain place together, sat in your home in a specific place, drove to a special place together, or interacted with certain people together.
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What you want is to begin to decon- struct all of those behaviors and develop new behaviors. This is a great opportunity to remake yourself, in general, and do some of the things that you’ve always wanted to try, because now you are able to focus. Take energy that was allocated to that person and begin to focus it on your- self, which is a very important process. You want to think about new behaviors and new actions. Not only are you clearing mental reminders, you are getting rid of action reminders.
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Remember that the brain associates certain actions with certain things. This goes for music as well; listening to your favorite music that reminds you of a per- son, traveling to your favorite city that re- minds you of a person.
Remove The Sexual Fantasies Often, in our fantasy lives, we fanta- size or recall past sexual contact, which is a very human experience, but they are not discussed enough. You also want to remove that person from these fantasies, which are
some of the most powerful reinforcing at- tachment behaviors. You can’t expect your brain to open to new experiences if you keep it stuck in the old. We humans are very sexual creatures,
and have a key need for sexuality. This can be difficult to manage for some people, especially men. You want to replace that fantasy around the person, the thought process, romantic process, and sexual process that you associate with that person with someone or something else, because every time you call them to mind and have those intense fantasies about them, you are essentially reinforcing the wiring in your brain.
So, now we have this idea of removing
them from your mental space. We have this notion of getting them out of actions that you used to take together, and ridding them from your private, romantic and sexual space, which is extremely impor- tant.
Looking At Why We Attached Once you begin to clear house with the person, detach and make sure that the reminders of them are not there, you want to begin to do something that’s very, very essential. A lot of people will say that it’s a good idea to engage with other people, maybe have a rebound guy or girl, or get back out there quickly and start dating. Those measures can be helpful, but one of the things that is often overlooked is the question of why we attach in the first place? Why do we attach so strongly? Partly, because we project onto our roman- tic partners our own needs, wants and desires. We want and expect them to fill these gaps within ourselves; gaps that in- volve worthiness, self-acceptance, self- respect and belief in ourselves. Our romantic partners sometimes act as surrogates, to some degree, for our own self-esteem, self-respect, and our own needs for self-actualization and providing meaning in our lives. Once you recognize this, you start to understand that you, as an individual, are now responsible for those concepts, and should have been responsible all along.
Romantic loss points to our own sense
of worthiness and we need to get that worthiness back. We need to discover a way to find within ourselves, build within ourselves, and create within ourselves a degree of self-love that can endure without needing someone else to fulfill that role.
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