Humans, by our very nature, are not islands unto ourselves. We’re social crea- tures. We must be in relationships, but as Carl Jung said, “The quality of any relation- ship can never exceed the quality of the relationship with ourselves.” This is the point where self-development, self-help, and self-actualization becomes critical.
Emotional Integrity & Emotional Alchemy When you begin to feel loss, rejection, jealousy and all the pain that accompanies romantic rejection, unrequited love and loss in the romantic realm, there is a psy- chological technique that says: first iden- tify, then name the emotions. Emotions contain a very peculiar en-
ergy. Once you identify and name them accurately, feel them deeply and turn your attention to them, they often dissipate. If you’re feeling jealousy or sadness, a com- mon reaction is to avoid or deflect those feelings. People either try to distract them- selves, or they veer from sadness to anger, for example. You want to maintain emotional integ-
rity, which means first naming accurately the emotion you’re feeling, and then feel- ing that emotion. So you would say to yourself, “I am feeling sad,” or, “I am feel- ing jealous.” Then you would allow your-
self to turn inward and feel that emotion. Truly feel it. If you need to cry, you cry. If you need to do anything else, you express it; this is a personal experience. Stay there long enough to feel the emotion lose some of its potency, lose some of its power.
Emotions
contain a very peculiar energy. Once you identify and name them accurately, feel them deeply and
turn your attention to them, they often dissipate.
Then you replace that belief. Once
you see it begin to dissipate, you replace that emotion, which is a form of belief, with a self-actualizing statement, a state- ment of being that you want to cultivate. For example, you might say, “I am worthy,” in a very present-tense, real-world state- ment, as if it is true. “I am worthy.” This is a good one to use in romantic loss, isn’t it? We feel unworthy, because we feel uncho- sen, and ostracized, as if we are not good enough, worthy enough, or not pretty enough, or perhaps we did something wrong. We ask, “Why would this person not want me? I must not be good.”
You need to claim, “I am worthy,” and then remain in that feeling of worthiness by trying to call to your mental state a time when you felt worthy, or even a fantasy around worthiness, to give your brain something else to which to attach. The more times you can capture these negative feelings of hurt, name them, and feel them, then replace them with a positive state- ment of being, you begin to rewrite some of the brain chemistry around the loss and the attachment. Not only that, but you begin to replace, bolster, and amplify your own ability to self-love, self-respect, and self-care.
Rebuild & Or Strengthen Your Social Net- work
The final thing I’ll reiterate about this process is that we are not islands unto ourselves; we are very social creatures. One of the things to do when you are deal- ing with detaching from loss in the roman- tic realm is to focus on the people who lift you up. This can be difficult because when we are deeply involved in a romantic re- lationship, a marriage, or a long-term re- lationship, we, especially men, don’t necessarily have a social support system, so you have to rebuild that network Again, it’s a great time to become the
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