ten makes us want to avoid losing our tribe at all cost. And in the modern day our “tribe” is often represented by that one person who is the focus of our desire and love. This, and the concept that our brain wires very strongly to connect and attach with others, illustrates why detachment can be so very difficult for people.
How To Finally Detach One of the reasons I wanted to write this is because when you explore detach- ment, there’s not a wealth of accessible information. What do we do when we are confronted with romantic loss, unrequited love, a situation where we are, for lack of a better term, rejected by someone we choose who does not reciprocate? We get stuck and we can’t move on
because much of our psychological poten- tial and our mental focus resides with this person. All the places, memories, and situations we’ve encountered with them, have resulted in very strong attachments. So how do you disconnect? How do you rewrite this brain software that aligns so strongly to someone when there’s no chance of reconnecting?
Step 1: Moving Beyond The Fairy-Tale You first have to make a choice to view the relationship in a realistic sense. Many of us have a fairy-tale notion that relation- ships are supposed to be a particular way, and that we’re going to live happily ever when we meet our knight in shining armor, or our princess—a very Disney-like view. Those belief systems are really tough to
break, and have consequences when we are confronted with romantic loss. We imprint those old beliefs, often
carried by us since childhood, on top of this very real attachment software that we’ve built, making it very difficult for us to believe that the connection is really over. Moreover, we hang on to the hope that it will improve, and that this person will
figure it out. Of course, this has
ramifications for our own self-efficacy, self-esteem, and our ability to see and respect ourselves. We must become very realistic about
these fantasies we’ve told ourselves about relationships and we have to rewrite these fairytale beliefs. Unfortunately, betrayal does happen and people you choose don’t always choose you. People also change. You grow, they grow, and sometimes you grow apart. Your choice comes down to making the decision to move on with your life.
Frequently individuals want to stay in
the wound; they want to remain hurt, and they stay in the hope that it can change because they see this person as their “soul- mate: or “one true love.” I realize that is confusing. Why would we do that to our- selves? Simple, the pain we know is some- times less painful than confronting an uncertain world. We humans often cling to what we know despite the possibilities that await when we move on. One of the things that happens when
you write software like this is that you start to lose your ability to be objective and to see the potential in other people. You
Kelly Carpenter, NP-C
www.RobinhoodIntegrativeHealth.com Kelly Carpenter, NP-C
Kelly Carpenter NP-C is a board certified Nurse Practitioner. She has 8 years experience in adult medi- cine. She has an enthusiasm for helping people live energized, long healthy lives. She helps patients to obtain healthy weights and maxi- mize energy levels by enhancing their body’s natural healing pro- cesses through optimized nutrition, supplements, and optimizing hor- mones. She is a great addition to RIH
336.768.3335 FEBRUARY 2017 27
might start thinking, very wrongly, “this was the only person for me. I will never find someone like that again.” Sound familar? This is the brain glitch talking, and a completely false reality our brain makes feel real. Step one, the most difficult step, is
finally making a choice to disconnect. If you don’t make this decision fully, you will continue to re-immerse yourself in the fantasies, pictures, and videos. You will also try to interact with these individuals, through texting, email, and continually thinking about them. Once you make the choice to disconnect, you are consciously making a pact with yourself that you will cease to engage in those fantasies and in that interaction as well as your old behav- iors. This is vital because you cannot continue to repeat the same patterns, as far as your brain is concerned, and expect for your brain to treat you differently.
Rewiring The Brain There’s an old saying in biology and
neurochemistry that “brain cells that fire together, wire together,” meaning that when you have habitual thinking, that thinking perpetuates itself. You must think differently and do things differently. Now it’s time to begin to reprogram your brain – how do you make that change? First, you need to remove this person
from your day-to-day interactions and thoughts. Now, of course this is not always possible; if you have children it may mean you will have to interact. If you work with the person, you may have to engage with
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