Unrequited Love & Romantic Loss:


How To Get Over it & Move On


S


ome of the issues you deal with as a life coach are in the realm of romantic relationships, and more specifically, hurt and loss in romantic relationships. One of the most difficult


obstacles to overcome as a human is unrequited love, the idea that you love and adore somebody who does not reciprocate that love and affection. It’s one of the things at the heart of so much disappointment, so much psychological turmoil, and mental stuckness. We, as humans, have chief desires for intimacy, sexual con-


nection, and being appreciated and loved. When we choose partners that don’t choose us back, it is like being ostracized from our tribe. Humans evolved with a core survival mechanism to


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keep from being shunned. If we were rejected from our tribe, in an evolutionary context, we would suffer the consequence of being alone in a very dangerous world, without the protection of our friends, families, and significant others. Therefore, re- moval from our tribe represented death, in a very real sense. Romantic loss, a rejection or betrayal by the person that you trust the most, is a serious threat to our survival as far as our evolutionary psychology is concerned. This evolutionary psychol- ogy stays with us and explains why we are affected in such a negative and hurtful way by rejection.


The Brain Wiring Of Attachment You can compare this concept to writing computer software.


When you attach to somebody, you are wiring the brain cells in a way that reinforces the love, affection, recognition, and support system that person represents. The greater degree to which you imprint this person, by looking at photos, fantasizing about them, spending time with them, having intense romantic encounters with them, and sharing all your deepest secrets, the more you strengthen this connecting and attachment. The greater the strength of that “computer software” is written, and the greater an attachment is formed. Researchers have developed several theories about what we


do in the face of this attachment, because it’s scary and risky, and it involves the real potential for being hurt and rejected. One of the more accepted of those theories is Attachment Theory. This theory states that we each have a different way of handling this bond or connection. Some of us are more avoidant in our attach- ment styles, meaning that when we get close to people as a way to protect ourselves, we keep them at a distance. As intimacy increases, we distance ourselves from our significant others in various ways.


Another style is the anxious attachment style (the opposite


of the avoidant style), which says the more that you connect with people, the more anxious and needy you become, especially if they become less attached to you. Finally, there is the secure attachment style: attachment is handled in a secure, positive way, usually through effective communication and coping mecha- nisms.


When you examine these ideas of romantic loss and being ostracized, the evolutionary computer software that we’ve writ-


Breakups,


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