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A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at
the new business site and the owner
read the card: "Rest in Peace." The owner was annoyed, and called to complain. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, and sorry you were offended," said the florist. " But even worse, somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
Harold & Ethel
Harold, “ I had a few pints with old Walter in the pub at lunch time, he said that new type of stout from Ireland would put lead in our pencil.” Ethel “ Did you have a few rounds then ?” Harold. “ No I stuck to my usual pints of bitter.” Ethel “ Why’s that then ?” Harold. “ I told him I had nobody left to write too.”
Classic Commentator.
From the game of darts comes the amazing world of Mr Sid Waddell. The Question is: “ What colour’s the sky on his Planet ?”
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• • • •
• • • •
Well, as Giraffes say, you don’t get no leaves unless you stick your neck out.
There’s no one quicker than these two tungsten tossers.
Three 140s on the trot, the last one was 100.
Keith Deller is like Long John Silver, he’s badly in need of another leg.
It’s like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline. He’s been burning the midnight oil at both ends. Even Hypotenuse couldn’t work out these angles. He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave.
These guys look calm but inside they are as nervous as a vampire who knows there’s a sale on at the wooden stake shop first thing in the morning.
Genius !!!!!
And talking of Long John Silver.
The old sailor is having a pint in a quayside pub. He had a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a patch over one eye. “ Aye Matey,” said he. “These be old sea faring wounds. I lost me leg to a Great white shark, I lost me hand to a cannon ball, and I lost me eye to a seagull.” “ That’s ridiculous,” said the landlord, “ how can you lose an eye to a seagull.?” “Well it sh*t in my eye and it was my first day with the hook.”
Harwood House Glebe Street Great Harwood
The One Stop Hair and Beauty Shop
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Have a full head colour for £30 and get a free eye brow wax
Have a full set of nails for £20 and get a free blow dry
1. The Andies in South America.
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Open 6 Days. Late Nights Thursday & Fridays Plus Other Nights by Appointment.
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20% Senior Citizen discounts Monday & Tuesday 20% off your next appointment with your first colour
01254 887530
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3.
Mike Hawthorn
Born: Apr. 10, 1929 Died: Jan. 22, 1959 Early Formula One Driver. Born in Mexborough, Yorkshire, he won the 1958 World Formula One Championship driving a Ferrari. In 1955 he won the Le Mans 24-hour race in spite of controversially being involved in an accident which resulted in the worse loss of life ( 80 people ) in motor racing history. With only one win that year, he benefited from the gentlemanly conduct of fellow driver Sterling Moss at the Portuguese Grand Prix at Porto, after being disqualified for pushing his car. Moss spoke up for him which allowed Hawthorn to keep his second place, and that allowed him to win the title by one point from Moss. After winning the title, he immediately retired from the sport. Months later, he died in a traffic accident after losing control of his Jaguar on the A3 Guildford-Bypass.
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