We have a brand new columnist from local radio. Welcome to: Martin Cooper with Horror Scope.
Aquarius - Mars is slipping every which way into the luck area of your chart which means that all the pedestrians you hit with your car recently will probably live. The weekend looks good for romance as all charges are dropped by the local authorities and true love is only a restraining order away. Single? Surprised? Call my tarot line now to find out why you're going to spend the night in the African Mountain Gorilla enclosure at Blackpool zoo. Pisces - As Pluto aligns with Uranus, Walt Disney can be heard spinning in his grave. Although this new romance seems too good to be true, it soon fizzles out to leave you more sad and pathetic than you were seen to be previously, at least in other peoples eyes. Single? Then you should have put a ring on it. Call my tarot line now to see who thinks you're hot. He's blind, obviously. Aries - Friday sees Jupiter move into the 'getting your belt hooks caught on door handles' part of your chart, which doesn't bode well for your planned trip to the door handle factory. The weekend is looking better though as you win 37 bottles of shampoo in a school fayre and your ex-husband turns up with a squirrel attached to his unmentionables. Single? Show your boobs to a busdriver for a free ride... bus ride, obviously. Call my tarot line now, and you're a very lonely person. Taurus - What a week you have in store Taurus. On Tuesday a chance meeting with a tall, handsome Aries leaves you feeling optimistic. On Wednesday a chance meeting with a lorry leaves you hospitalised. All is not lost though as Neptune moves in next door and is greeted with a veritable orgy of bad planning. Single? This is just the beginning. Call my tarot line now to be insulted for 60p per minute. Gemini - As Venus and Mars snuggle up close it has a big effect on the relationship between you and your friends. Perhaps it's time to start dumping some of the less productive members of your social circle. Like the fat one. And the one who eats crayons. Elsewhere your bra is itchy on Thursday. Single? Meet true love in a crypt. Call my tarot line now to find an engaged tone. Cancer - As the moon moves into your 'sitting' chart, you'll find your fat and lazy side gets the better of you this week. But wait, before forcing that last cream cake into your ungrateful mouth, it is worth knowing that someone close to you is thinking of you in the nuddy. Single? That's because of your constant bottom burps. Call my tarot line now to find out why everyone thinks you're thick as pig muck. Leo - Although recently you've felt on top of the world, that will change on Wednesday when the world moves directly into the centre of the sun, singeing your eyebrows severely. A plan to take part in a swingers party is put on hold as a leak onto your coving means a weekend of DIY. Single? That's because you listen to Simply Red in the car. Call my tarot line now to find out why no-one uses George Forman grills anymore. Virgo - As Saturn spins into your lower back, you're left feeling pretty hard done by. However, sympathy comes in the form of a fiery Scorpio with his moon in your kitchen, but beware Virgo. All is not as it first appears as his marriage guidance counsellor will soon reveal. Single? An overdose on wine gums proves to be a blessing in disguise. Call my tarot line now and I'll break into your car while you're on hold. Libra - Venus is in your money chart, which is good, but Saturn is in your garage, which is mostly bad. Join a gym on Monday if you want to lose weight. Join a cult on Monday if you want to lose friends. Bumping into an old school friend on Friday will result in you dropping your KFC and getting into a street fight. Single? Start keeping bees. They'll be faithful, unlike your last boyfriend. Call my tarot line now and you'll receive some free jam. Scorpio - Mercury is rising, which means one of two things. Your recent spell of bad luck is due to change, or your thermometer is broken. It's probably the second one as the cash machine will swallow your card on Tuesday as you attempt to draw out your last tenner for a bottle of Jacobs Creek and a twenty deck of Lamberts. Single? A man in a hood will be most unhelpful. Call my tarot line to find out that it's really a redirected number from a broken washing machine helpline. Sagittarius - On Tuesday Venus moves into your living area, leaving a nasty mark on the wallpaper, but signalling the start of a new relationship with either someone of the opposite sex or with a pet. Single? A chance meeting with Tinchy Strider leaves you feeling violated, but in a positive way. Call my tarot line now to find out how much you have left in coppers at the bottom of your purse, near the petrol receipts and Tesco clubcards. Capricorn - Saturn has collided with Uranus, leaving you with a kink in your walk, which is hardly surprising. Romance is in the air on Wednesday when you kiss a homeless woman in exchange for a bite of your pastie. Single? And for good reason! Call my tarot line now to find out who has been watching you through binoculars for the last week and a half.
18.
Martin Cooper. 107 The Bee. 07919 153 758
Catch Martin’s Show on Sundays 8am—12noon.
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4. Polar Bear.
The AGM of the Harwood Bar Residents Association will be held at Lyndon House at 7.00pm on Thursday, April 18th. All residents of the area are welcome. During the last few months Great Harwood Commu- nity Action Group have been involved in a couple of actions which should benefit to the town : a) Members have organised letters of protest to LCC re the suggested closure of Great Harwood’s Waste Recycling Cen- tre. This does not guarantee the Centre will stay open but it does help to make known the feelings of the town’s residents. b) Two CAG members attended a workshop with the LCC’s Highways service and discussed the state of “drop kerbs” in Hyndburn. Prior to this meeting CAG members had investigated their local footpaths and the two representatives were able to report in detail the problems found in Great Harwood. CAG would like to thank all the residents who have helped in these two exercises.
AMAZING ONE WORD RIDDLE. Now this is a brain teaser. What nine letter word in the English language is still a word when eight letters are removed one by one, right down to the last letter? Answer on page 20.
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