life from a dog’s perspective.
Bathtub Horrors – Part 2: This Time, It’s Scarier.
THERE IS NOTHING IN MY barkalounger world scarier than that Sea Monster in the bath tub. All that splashing water and suds flying around – it’s enough to curl my whiskers, but I dogress. As long as I kept my nose clean and my fur fresh, I could keep that menace at bay and my life could be free from what had to be the worst nightmare imaginable, right? WRONGO Friend FIDO! Little did I know that a menace far more evil was lurking in my immediate future. It started with a bunch of noise and lots of hoomans running around outside. Now, at this
on. Day after day I’d watch as they dug out a massive hole in the ground. What could it be? After much pawndering, my FBI (Furlock Bones Intel) could only come to one conclusion: This giant hole must be for the biggest hugeasaurous dog-bone of all time! Saint Bernards be praised! Only in my most ambidextrous dreams, com- plete with double speed RPMs (rapid paw movements) had I ever envisioned something so wondrous! I did everything I could to sneak out to supervise and sniff out the details, but mommy now had me on lock down; my explo- ration would have to wait. Until one day, FINALLY, PAWDIRT! The
BIG REVEAL! Mommy and Daddy slid open the big glass door and I immediately hopped out and commenced a walk about; scoping the joint and sniffing in the details. Now, I know you won’t believe me, but that was no giant hiding place for a dog bone. Nope. Instead, my grassy tundra had been surreptitiously replaced with some kind of hard floor, which I hardly noticed. Because at that moment, what I saw with my own peepers made me stop in my tracks. All those hoomans had turned my backyard,
point, the most shocking reality to me was that they didn’t appear to be here for me! I know. Like I said. Shocking! So, I assume whatever they were doing – out
there – must have been super-secret agent stuff. So mysterious. I’d shove my snout through the blinds and right up on to the BYTV (back yard TV) so I could keep an eye on what was going
with all the glorious dirt, bugs and grass…in to…*gasp!*…a BEHEMOTH BATHTUB! Oh, the HORROR! No one consulted me about this evil plot; an obvious lapse of judg- ment. Probably some cat’s idea of a dog joke. After trotting out a number of laps around the perimeter and barking, hoping against hope for an epic Jericho wall type dissolving of this abomination, I noticed something even more disturbing. I crept over to the edge and looked in to be sure, and it nearly scared the fur right off my bod. My tennis ball had errantly fallen in and was floating perilously in this deep watery chasm. I realized then that I was powerless to save it from impending doom. My super puppy powers had met their kryp-
tonite. It will take time to figure this one out. Will I become WaterDog or waterlogged? U
Life from a Dog’s Perspective is a series written exclusively for The New Barker by Guinness, the Pembroke Welsh Corgi, as told to his hooman, Lon Martin. Photograph of Guinness by Lon Martin.
100 THE NEW BARKER
www.TheNewBarker.com
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