SUNDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2010
KLMNO By Mike Shenk • Edited by Peter Gordon •
www.fireballcrosswords.com The Post Puzzler No. 28
E9
NICK GALIFIANAKIS FOR THE WASHINGTON POST
Husband’s porn habit is part of marital rift
Dear Ms. Hax: I’ve searched the archives and can’t
locate any replies to this apparently very common malady: online, hard-core porn usage by husbands. I understand men are visual. I get
that. I don’t get the three-to-four-times- a-week frequency, and the “teen” sites he goes to.
My husband is 60 and I’m 53. We rarely have sex anymore and he says it’s because I’m a nag and unpleasant. He’s right about that. I can’t seem to adjust
to this. Any insight would be helpful. Confidential
I agree that frequent, hard-core porn use can strain a marriage; the teenage stuff is particularly reprehensible, and possibly illegal. But I think a marriage faces an equal or greater threat from the kind of contempt that would move one spouse to call the other “a nag and unpleasant.” It’s easy, and tempting, to lay all the blame on your husband. He’s the one with the revolting, disturbing and exploitive habit; he’s the one seeking sexual excitement outside of his marriage; he’s the one choosing to keep that excitement to himself instead of trying to share it with you; he’s the one dishonoring his vows by calling his wife hurtful names. Your merely pointing to him as the problem, however, isn’t going to solve that problem, or else it would have already.
So, instead, you have to take control of your side of the equation. That includes deciding what you want out of your marriage. Do you want to make minor repairs so it’s serviceable, major repairs so it’s fulfilling, or no repairs because you can’t make any argument for remaining the “unpleasant nag” who’s married to Teen Porn Man? Obviously, the first two are realistic only if your husband is willing to tear himself from his computer long enough to care about how you feel. But you can start the process. Namely, you can bite back any words
that sound like nagging, and instead pick your moment to tell him your
CAROLYN HAX
emotional truth: “I am real, and I am here, and I am married to you. When you use porn, I feel rejected and unwanted.” His response will tell you pretty quickly whether you have any real hope that he’ll invest himself in your marriage.
If he does show a spark of concern for your feelings, fan it with compliments for the man he used to be — the man you’ve lost to his computer — vs. criticism of the “man” he has become. (He chooses porn over a real woman, so he gets the snotty quotation marks — but for the sake of expediency, let’s keep them between us.) Now’s the time to invite him to join you in counseling, whether you believe he’ll agree to it or not.
If instead his lack of interest in you
is unwavering — the more likely scenario at this point, I’m afraid — then you need to decide: Do you want to demote him to roommate and pursue your own interests, as he has done to you — or are you ready to be on your own? This decision may be as pragmatic as it is emotional, so consult as needed with the appropriate professional(s) — banker, lawyer, family therapist — before you make up your mind. I’m sorry. I get “for better or for
worse,” but nobody knowingly signs up for this.
Write to Tell Me About It, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or tellme@
washpost.com.
at
www.washingtonpost.com/discussions. ASK AMY
Sisters brag about their smarts. Is this going to be a problem?
Dear Amy: Iam very close to my niece. She has
two daughters who are in the gifted classes at their elementary school. I used to be a teacher and can tell that their IQs are indeed high, even without knowing their scores.
The problem is that my niece brags to
everyone about this, and now her two daughters are also bragging to everyone. How do I diplomatically tell her this is wrong?
Worried Aunt Pat
First, you should determine whether this is really a larger problem, or merely a turnoff for you. Would it bother you if the kids were boys instead of girls and if they were bragging about getting on the travel team for soccer, rather than how smart they are? If it is behavior that you find personally objectionable, then keep your comments specific to your own perceptions. If you are convinced that this
bragging will create problems for the kids, you can start by praising the children and asking your niece how things are going in school so far this year. Then ask her, “How do other families
react when you point out the kids’ achievements?” Then you should offer your observation that you have heard the kids boasting. Tell her it’s important that they are proud of their achievements, but that pointing out their advantages can cause problems with their relationships with other children at school. Ahigh IQ is a blessing, but emotional
intelligence is important, too. These girls should be encouraged to be as loud and proud as they care to be about their smarts. But they must never do so in a way that diminishes or puts down another child. If they are excessively obnoxious, their classmates will let them know.
Dear Amy: I am a freshman at college, and so far things have been going really well. My roommate and I get along, but oftentimes when I come into the room after being away I think I catch whiffs of marijuana. This concerns me, because if my roommate is caught with marijuana in the room I can get in trouble as well. However, I cannot be sure he is actually smoking in the room. How can I broach
the subject without seeming accusatory? Fearful Freshie
The next time you come into the room and smell pot smoke, you should simply ask your roommate, “Do you smell that? I think I smell pot.” You are correct about the impact of your roommate’s behavior on you. Smoking anything — cigarettes, cigars or marijuana — is very likely against the rules in your dorm. Don’t let this issue take you hostage.
Just bring it up. If your roommate says he smokes, ask him not to do it in the room. If this problem escalates, you should see your dorm’s RA.
Dear Amy: I have twins whose birthday is in
January. In the past, we were overwhelmed (but grateful!) with toys and presents. Last year, we asked that the kids coming to their party bring something that they made themselves. The attendees were so proud of what
they made, and my kids loved the drawings, ceramic plates and especially some homemade muffins.
Anne This is a fantastic idea. I love it.
Write to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune. com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.
©2010 by the Chicago Tribune Distributed by Tribune Media Services
ONLINE DISCUSSION Carolyn Hax’s weekly Web chat is at noon Fridays
Aries (March 21-April 19) Though you have reserves of strength inside you that you have yet to tap, you also have more resources outside you than you could ever use in your lifetime. Ask for help, and you’ll see.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Childhood friendships and sibling
relationships will influence your current projects and how you think about them. Family is well-meaning but may not have the experience necessary to give you the best advice.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) You can inspire people without
dominating them: It’s a strength of yours now. You’ll be put in charge of something important precisely because you do this so well.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) Your needs have changed, and you are still learning how to accommodate your new situation. Think of your schedule as a work in progress. Try not to be too rigid, and leave plenty of time for goofing off.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) There’s much to gain, but you have to
engage 100 percent in order to acquire it. Potential partners want to feel that you are fully committed. It will be
CUL DE SAC Richard Thompson
TODAY’S HOROSCOPE By Holiday Mathis
worthwhile to sacrifice some of your freedom in order to accomplish this.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Your friends will help you when you need them most. In the meantime, you have a policy not to bother anyone with trifling matters. Because of this, you’ll be well-respected.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) It’s one of those times when the best
way to deal with problems is to ignore them. By tomorrow, some of the problem will have fixed itself. And whatever is left over can then be easily dealt with head-on.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) You have a right to share your feelings and to ask questions, even in new arenas. One who makes you feel otherwise is trying to control you. Stand up for yourself.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You may be putting way too much
effort and importance on an unnecessary detail. Asking for the opinions and insights of those around you, especially mentor types, will be very helpful.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) When the world seems confusing,
you sort things out logically. And though it seems quite natural for you, this skill is not innate in all humans. You’ll use the talent to help someone today.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Someone wants to give you a responsibility but isn’t used to asking for help. You’ll have to offer your assistance several times before this person understands that you are really sincere.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) You are still getting to know an
acquaintance, finding out tidbits along the way. It’s so much more fun to let the mystery slowly unfold. Also, someone will hear about your talents and see you in a whole new light.
TODAY’S BIRTHDAY | OCT. 17: You sincerely wish and work for other people’s happiness, and that’s how you find your own. Sportsmanship and teamwork bring success. An investment pays in November. There’s a welcome surprise in your personal life in January. March is your chance to explore your talent in a new arena. Love signs are Capricorn and Sagittarius. © 2010, Creators Syndicate
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