“Hi! Checking in?”
“Yes, I have a reservation. It’s under Alan. Ken Alan.”
“We have your reservation right here, Mr. Alan. Welcome to the Hyatt!”
It was a nice standard Hyatt salutation by my friendly and smiling front desk agent - a scene I’m used to since I take maybe ten or twelve overnight trips a year. But this particu- lar hotel visit was about to become oddly dif- ferent from any other lodging experience I’ve ever had, when the agent looked up at me and pleasantly declared -
“ The hotel just opened yesterday, so you’re literally the first guest to stay in this particu- lar room.”
“Ever?” “Yes, ever!”
And so it happened that I got the oppor- tunity to be the initial inhabitant of Room 1404 in what was then-the brand- spanking new Hyatt Place Downtown in Nashville,Tennessee. As I handed over my credit card my mind was doing a happy dance. “I’m really going to be this room’s first guest!”
Although my wife will tell you that I’m“a germaphobe,”I’ll politely disagree. “No, I’m not”I always retort. “A true germa- phobe won’t do certain things like touch door handles,use the tongs at a salad bar,or directly press an elevator button. I am not a germaphobe. I’m simply...”I then pause for affect…”germ conscious.”
Being germ conscious means I have an ongoing awareness of the germs around me but not a complete aversion to them. Germ consciousness is my reason for continually taking sensible protective measures like constant hand-washing and keeping my fingers away from my eyes,nose and mouth without becoming overly-compulsive about it.
In other words, I’ll firmly and confidently grasp that naked door handle,but you’d better believe my hand will go nowhere
72 May June 2015
near food afterward,and it’ll be washed the moment I’m safely ensconced within the closest rest room.
Meanwhile,back at the brand new Hyatt...
I inserted the key card and entered Room 1404 and - being its very first inhabitant - I physically sensed the practically-DNA-less environment await- ing me. The open-swinging door created a refreshing breeze; it intermingled with the cleanliness scents of Pine Sol and window cleaner, along with new carpet. I looked around 1404,every pristine square inch.
Okay, now it’s time to get gross, yet liter- al, about my practically-pure enclave, so here goes: There were no dead skin cells from guest after guest (after guest) float- ing in the air; the air vents blew nothing but clean, fresh O2; no dude had ever passed out drunk on this particular bed, or spent sweaty late-night hours fixated on the cable TV’s adult channel; no five- year old boys missing their“aim”during that call to nature. It was a room totally devoid of“nose goblins”and toe nail clip- pings. I could wash my face with a hand towel that’s soft,not scratchy - no one had scrubbed an arm pit or nether region with it,wiped off make-up,or used it for God knows what else.
Everything was gloriously new: The toilet, the bathtub; the desk chair (which always gets covered by me with a towel before sitting upon it,anyway); the sheets were just out of their wrappings; no dust mites collecting over the course of years, trapped within bed spreads. The pillows were clean and fresh. “And look!” I thought to myself. “I can touch the remote control! I can take off my shoes and socks!”
This all sounds fairly ridiculous (if not utterly germaphobic), I know,but look at it another way (like I see it) and you may better understand - if this particular hotel room houses an average of, say, five guests a week, then the yearly occupancy count will equal 260 individuals through- out the course of a year. Now, let’s throw out an arbitrary number - fifty years - the theoretical shelf life of this particular
hotel. This means there will be approxi- mately 13,250 potential future occupants in Room 1404 at the Hyatt Place Nashville Downtown from now through 2065.
Whatever the future history of this room, I was the very first soul to reside within it. Virgin territory indeed!
For me, travelling becomes a veritable Catch-22 situation: I know that I am ultimately going to enjoy the trip, but I must also endure certain unseen and potentially calamitous obstacles in order to get there and back - airport restrooms, airplanes (which are,as far as I’m con- cerned, the world’s largest Petri dishes), sticky taxis,quick-serve restaurants (and all that entails),hotel rooms - it’s a micro- scopic jungle out there!
So I take precautions…
Before lodging, I always pack flip-flops so my feet never have to touch the car- pet or the shower/bath floor. Here’s the really weird part: I’ll usually set aside a hand towel by the bathroom sink,which will be used to cover/turn faucets and to
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