Marti Miller I contributing writer
Submitting to I Do Two
If all goes as planned, this will be the last time I write about love and marriage from an unwed perspective. By the time 2015 rolls around, the subject may take on an entirely different meaning. In other words, I’m wondering if things will change dramatically by this time next year regarding my approach to love and marriage. I surely hope not. Right now I’m excited as all-get-out about it.
We two used to be halves of a long-married couple. We just weren’t each other’s halves. We are
now about to embark on a new partnership in which we will be each other’s other half. Or so to speak. Neither of us has been half of a whole in over seven years. Both of us bring some rather well-worn habits and quirks to each other’s lives. This is not unlike attempting to blend north- ern sarcasm with southern sass and not taking on casualties. So far, we’ve adjusted…but not yet on a permanent, no-looking-back basis. There are times we want to place each other in neat little boxes only to discover that neither of us fits very well or comfortably in confinement and both of us take great delight in punching the sides out of said compartments. He is much better at that, but then he has so much more experience with boxes, doesn’t he? Lately we’ve been spending a good bit of time hashing over the wedding plans and the mar-
riage plans – these are two very distinct and nearly unconnected topics. And, as is the usual circumstance when it comes to wedding plans, the female half has been doing almost all of the hashing and re-hashing. And over-hashing. All we need is some corned beef and we’ll be all set, if we don’t first choke on all the details. I had no idea that burlap and mason jars would be so complicated. It’s a picnic for goodness sake! I thought this would be so simple - baskets, blankets, fried chicken. Wrong. Speaking of baskets, my future bonus son (a phrase I have willfully stolen from Nancy Grice’s article a few months back – it’s so much more descriptive than “step”) has a very nasty habit of coming to my house with the goal of counting how many baskets I’ve added to the family since his last visit. He has even enlisted the aid of his up-to-now lovely wife and my own dear children and almost-husband in the venture. They had a rousing game of “Guess How Many Baskets” during their Christmas visit this year. Very funny. If I shared that the winning guess was 29 in just the kitchen area alone, would you think me an incurable basket case? Please don’t answer. Well, there I go getting off topic again. I believe we were discussing love and marriage this month, weren’t we? Before the marriage begins, weddings usually happen. They involve careful planning and fun stuff like color choices and themes and guest lists and tasty menus. Marriages involve even more care and lots more difficult work. Unfortunately, one can be good at weddings and horrible at marriages. This is usually directly proportionate to the amount of time, energy, and prayer spent on each. Weddings and aſter-parties usually last around 3-4 hours. They are events, aſter all. Marriages, unless we’re talking Kardashians, last quite a bit longer and usually don’t include guest lists and towering cakes. They do, howev- er, require commitment and offer much greater rewards if successful. But how do we find marital success – especially the second time around? I read somewhere
recently that the key to a happy marriage involves just one word: forgiveness. Really, it can’t possibly be that simple, can it? I mean, who goes first? Another source stated that the biggest problem in marriage today also can be summed up in one word: selfishness. The writer believed that “serving the kingdom of self” leads only to disaster in marriage (and most likely in life). During my far-away youthful years, I fancied myself something of a liberal feminist. I
didn’t exactly burn my bra (it had too much important work to do), but I wasn’t going to let any man lead me around or tell me what to do. I commanded my own destiny…and my ship ran aground on quite a few of my “maiden” voyages. And I spent a lot of time in a 25 year marriage being angry and self-centered. Gaining age and experience and children and losing that spouse slowly to cancer, among other things, have helped me to redirect my course into slightly more conservative waters.
24 February 2014 Given that brief history, you may understand why it took me by surprise when I found
myself agreeing wholeheartedly with the Candace Cameron Bure suggestion that biblical sub- mission is the key to a happy and long-lasting and God-centered marriage. She sure stirred up a hornet’s nest of women-against-women controversy in January this year! Some media pundits literally spit out venom upon her suggestion that they may not exactly understand the biblical meaning of the word. They were too busy getting their panties in a wad about the submission thing. I admit it has taken me a while to grasp the concept of love, honor, and obey in a marriage vow. And I’m still hard at work on it, in anticipation of upcoming nuptials (have I mentioned June 22nd lately?). But the really important message is hidden deep within that firestorm “submit” word we find in I Peter and Ephesians and Colossians regarding wives submitting to their husbands. The Greek word, hypotasso, can be translated any number of ways, depending on the context in which it is used. Thayer’s describes it this way: “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperat- ing, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden”. It is, by definition, a choice – much like love is a choice.
We also spend a lot of time trying to understand the meaning of the word love. It can be
found quite easily in I Corinthians 13. It is a verb. It requires action and commitment, whether we “feel” like it or not. But perhaps we should spend an equal amount of time remembering what love is not. It is not a feeling. Not an emotion. Love is not all soſt and sweet and mellow. Sometimes it hurts to love. Sometimes it is hard as stone and sharp as a razor’s edge (before shaving your winter’s growth legs with it). But there is no fear in it, for we know that perfect love casts out fear – as in our Father’s love for us. Here’s what I now know to be true in this life. Submission to another is not a bad thing. It
is actually quite freeing. We have each been given the key to living in faith, hope, and love. It’s all about the order of our allegiances. God first, then others, then self. So I think the person that wrote about selfishness being responsible for the death of marriages was absolutely right. Selflessness may just be what revives it. Aligning oneself under the command of another gives us the proper perspective. And that goes for life in general and certainly marriage in particular. A cord of three strands is not easily broken – God, husband, wife. Just one more thing: Mr. Willoughby better not mess with my color choices or menu
ideas for June 22nd and he’ll need to submit to a beard trim and maybe a dance or two. This submission stuff is a two way street, right? No? Fine then, I’ll just keep working on it as we get closer and closer to I Do Two.
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