Pop Life
Another pop star who suffered head trauma last year, Janet Jack-
son, will partake in an effort to make lemonade out of the lemons
her cancelled “Rock Witchu” tour provided her with last year. Miss
Jackson (if you’re nasty) will land an endorsement deal with Excedrin
for a new line of aspirin that prevents vertigo-induced migraines
called “Verti-No.” Rather than let those pesky migraines that led to
many of her shows being cancelled get the better of her, Jackson
will bravely address the issue head-on – yes, that pun was intended.
At her side on the commercial shoot will be her boyfriend/
producer Jermaine Dupri, and it will be revealed he is the cause of
Jackson’s vertigo, since she spends much of her time looking down
at him due to his diminutive stature. In other related Jackson con-
cert news, Michael’s “This Is It” U.K. comeback tour dates will prove
to be successful, and show that the beleaguered King of Pop isn’t
completely out of touch with the world-at-large. Jackson will ex-
tend a kids-under-12-get-in-for-free policy, due to these troubling
economic times. Hey! Wait a minute!
Celeb-reality
Figuring that Bret Michaels will once again not find love
(No! Really?) on this season’s Rock of Love Bus, VH-1 has an-
nounced Rock of Love: Free Clinic Parking Lot, which will not
only showcase the reality show’s, uh, versatility; but it will
also be cost effective, as this is where they find most of their
contestants. The honchos at MTV are debating giving Paris
Hilton’s My New BFF a second season – but are at a stalemate
Meanwhile, Britney Spears will repeat history by
on the condition of coming up with a better grand prize this
falling for someone on her “Circus” tour. Don’t worry;
season.
it’s not a back-up dancer with delusions of becoming
the next Vanilla Ice, rather a contortionist with gain-
ful employment year-round as part of a real circus.
The relationship will be smooth sailing for months
after her tour, with the pop princess proclaiming that
sexual relations between the two are “better than
Cut. Print. That’s A Wrap!
Cheetos and fried Twinkies put together!” You can
take the girl out of the south, but you can’t take the
Oh, I knew I forgot one celebrity prediction - but
south out of the girl, y’all. Alas, the relationship will hit
he begs the question of if he really is a celebrity?
a bigger snag than her recent wardrobe malfunction,
Gossip monger Perez Hilton will invest in a mir-
and no, her p***y won’t be left hangin’ out, as Britney
ror and forgo the microscope he holds celebrity
delicately put it. But the jury will remain out on that
behavior under. Hmm, that seems like sage advice
subject for months afterwards, as he was a contor-
– but I am just in the celebrity target practice for
tionist after all! Anyhoo, the flexible guy the media
fun. April Fools? Until next time, that’s all of the
dubs as “G-Umby,” dumps Brit Brit, after Kirstie Alley
news that’s fit to print.
joins his traveling troupe as the new bearded fat lady.
And how does Alley achieve her 5 o’clock shadow?
An unwashed face full of Ding Dong residue, which is
why “G-Umby” falls head over heels over head for her.
He likes his goods damaged, and Spears will remain
on her steady ascension away from bad behavior.
APRIL 2009 | RAGE monthly 41
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