halfway there by terry ernest
Love UnencUmbered is child’s Play
“Succumbing to a ‘mature’ need to unburden myself, I decided I would tell Tino that I
was gay and prayed he would understand.”
If you can remember Kukla, Fran and Ollie you’re unencumbered. We loved being together and that moment apart worthwhile. Much like Billy and me,
probably halfway there. I was quite young when the sustained us. I was gay and I knew it. Tino was straight Tino and I shared everything as if we had been mar-
show aired on one of our three television stations in and I knew that too but being with Tino was more ried for a lifetime, every story, every feeling and every
Chicago land but as memory serves, I was an adoring important than any physical eventuality or carnal dream, well almost every one. Was this love? I believe
fan of that single tooth dragon, Ollie. He reminded desire. We were Navy Corpsmen assigned to the 3rd it was, love unencumbered by sex but not by fear. Ev-
me of one of my best friends growing up, Billy. Marines on Okinawa. My job was solely contained at ery time he touched me I wanted to return his touch
Together they would have made a great pair. Each Camp Hansen while Tino’s required him to go off on with a kiss. I loved him and I knew he loved me but
a little slow and always with I was terrified that he would
a dry quip dangling from a liken a real kiss to a queer
warm, pink tongue framed label and that would shatter
by one prominent, shining every fabulous moment we
tooth. shared. That was a risk I could
In childhood, love in not take. For the longest time
infinite incarnations, is vastly I imagined that Tino held the
different than we experience same desires and shared the
as adults. Maturity must same fears. This must have
have among its many been the moment when ma-
definitions that point in time turity first struck and I realized
where feelings of intimacy how much more complicated
become lashed with fears love was as an adult.
of sexual labeling. We’ve all I knew only too well what
experienced this. My friend a queer label meant in those
Billy and I were inseparable days and my struggle to
as children. We walked to demonstrate contentment
school together, ate lunch to be Tino’s brother instead of
together, traded shoes and his lover progressed to be an
sweaters and felt an honest arduous labor of love, a pre-
need to be together. He’d tense I never had to impose
sleep over at my house, or I with Billy.
at his, and we’d share a bed Tino got out of the Navy
feeling only the safety of our three months before I did. We
mutual affection. We didn’t wrote to each other two or
recognize it as love but it was, three times a week without
love unencumbered. In child- fail which helped fill the void,
hood, love is demonstrated each letter busy with details
by adults as a sense of security and always ending with ‘love.’
with warm hugs and kisses,
feedback?
halfwaythere@ragemonthly.com
Succumbing to a ‘mature’
the squeezing of the puffy need to unburden myself, I
cheeks and of course repeat- decided I would tell Tino that
ing the words over and over. It was also getting yelled a week-long cruise once a month. Each brief separa- I was gay and prayed he would understand. I never
at and punished for your own good; all personified tion was a shared emotional challenge. Even though heard from him again. It was a crushing experience
by the parable of how Jesus loves you but will send he was only gone for a week at a time, we would write that I have lamented over a million times. But I got
you to the fiery pit if you don’t behave. letters to each other, most of which we didn’t receive past it and learned a valuable lesson. There is no hero
I spent nine months in the Navy at age 20 with one until he was home again and then we would sit on in being alone. Life is hurting and healing and for
of the most beautiful men I have ever known. Tino the grass behind the barracks and read them to each those who are lucky enough to understand that, the
was Italian with dark eyes and a fabulous smile. What other. The moment his ship docked I was there to world is your oyster.
made our platonic relationship so exquisite was that greet him and we hugged like we hadn’t seen each If you ever worry about getting a one-way ticket to
it was just like Billy and me at age 7. It started out other in 20 years. The joy at our reunions made every Shady Pines, you‘re probably halfway there too.
30 RAGE monthly | APRIL 2009
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