hollywood
by tim parks
April Fools’ Celebrity Predictions
Predicting the wacky world of celebrities could only be done in the vain of April Fools’ Day!
Trust me you’d have to own a sizeable crystal ball, more than a handful of Tarot cards and the combined clairvoyant talents of
Dionne Warwick, plus all her psychic friends to even come close to an accurate guess on who’s going to make a startling move
into the spotlight and by what means. I mean, who in their wildest dreams could have predicted that Clay Aiken was gay and
would come out publicly last year? Yeah, didn’t see that one comin.’ So plant your tongue firmly in your (ahem) cheek, as we do
some good natured ribbing (for her pleasure) at which celebs could be making headlines this year.
The Tween Scene
Madonna will be going the full cougar route, deciding that
current boy toy 22-year-old Jesus Luz is far too old for her.
She sets her 50-year-old eyes and sexual prowess on tween
sensations The Jonas Brothers. After an illuminating evening of
discussing musical longevity (no more 3-D movies, ok Jo Bros?)
and proper eyebrow upkeep for Lourdes, Madonna spikes their
Kabbalah water and goes into like a de-virginizing mode and
gets them all in one fell swoop. Replacing the signature red
string around her left wrist, Madge will now sport The Jonas
Brothers’ sullied purity rings on a chain on said wrist, and begin
partaking in a new religion – the ancient Mayan practice of
sacrificing virgins in order to remain youthful. It’s cheaper than
Botox, and is very effective in erasing annoying musical acts!
Speaking of the tween set, Miley Cyrus will suffer a
head trauma and permanently become her alter ego
Hannah Montana. While this sounds good on paper,
it will not curtail her bratty behavior (please, I wish
I had a used Porsche when I was 16, or even now!),
forcing her bitch, I mean, father Billy Ray Cyrus to
commit her permanently to a mental hospital – thus
forcing Billy Ray to find another meal ticket, so sad.
40 RAGE monthly | APRIL 2009
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64 |
Page 65 |
Page 66 |
Page 67 |
Page 68 |
Page 69 |
Page 70 |
Page 71 |
Page 72 |
Page 73 |
Page 74 |
Page 75 |
Page 76 |
Page 77 |
Page 78 |
Page 79 |
Page 80 |
Page 81 |
Page 82 |
Page 83 |
Page 84 |
Page 85 |
Page 86 |
Page 87 |
Page 88 |
Page 89 |
Page 90 |
Page 91 |
Page 92 |
Page 93 |
Page 94 |
Page 95 |
Page 96 |
Page 97 |
Page 98 |
Page 99 |
Page 100 |
Page 101 |
Page 102 |
Page 103 |
Page 104 |
Page 105 |
Page 106 |
Page 107 |
Page 108 |
Page 109 |
Page 110 |
Page 111 |
Page 112