STUDENT PERSPECTIVE
Chapel Reflections My God, My God, Why Have You Forsaken Me?
T
here’s a famous ancient Chinese story of a Taoist farmer whose son breaks his leg. The villagers come up and say, "Your son broke his leg,
what bad luck." But the father replies, "May- be." Then there’s a war and all the young men in the village must fight. It is a terrible battle and almost everyone is killed–except for the man’s son who couldn’t fight because he broke his leg. So the villagers come up to him and say, "What good luck, your son didn’t have to fight and now he is alive." But the father replies, "Maybe." This Taoist story embraces the idea of uncertainty in our life.
My own story dates all the way back to when I was three. I started playing the violin and, since then, my identity was founded on mu- sic. I was always referred to as 'the violin girl' and I never doubted about my future of becoming a violinist. In Korea, it is almost impossible to major in art after elementary school unless you go to an Art School. Since most of the schools put so much emphasis on academics, students hardly have time to prac- tice the violin or play sports daily as we do here. Thus, I needed to go to an Art School in Korea in order to carry on my dream. For a year, I didn’t go to school but stayed at home practicing and taking lessons. I lit- erally skipped sixth grade for the audition. I would set my alarm at 3:00 AM and played the violin right after I woke up to hear the mistakes I would make when I was half con- scious. I also ran up and down the stairs for ten minutes and played the violin, to see how I perform when my heart is beating faster than usual like when I’m on stage. Then I took a shower, had breakfast, practiced, went to lessons, and then I returned and practiced again. For a year, I practiced at least fourteen hours a day. It sounds unbelievable but every applicant for the school did the same thing. Physically and mentally, it was an enormous commitment. I had the best teacher, the best violin, and I practiced until I would pass out. There was nothing my family, and my teach- ers, and I could do better.
Finally, October 28th of 2003, the audition day came. So there I was, without a wink of sleep, extremely tense, standing before the eight judges. My whole body shivered in-
26 – PERSPECTIVES/SUMMER 2011 sanely as I started playing.
Three days after, I was frantically waiting for the result. The admission letter came through my email. I carefully read the letter, and it said I was a very talented musician but it was especially competitive that year. In other words, I was rejected. I was a failure. God had forsaken me. I tore up all my music and broke all of my lesson recordings into little pieces. I locked up my violin case, and it re- mained locked for the following four years. I could not face the fact that the violin was no longer a part of my life. My identity was founded on the violin, but the foundation was demolished. I didn’t know how to describe myself. What was I without the violin? For three years, I silently cried every night. I was no longer the ‘violin girl.’
Yet now, once again, I am the 'violin girl.' When I decided to come to school in the United States, I found out about orchestras at school and I thought it might be a good time to pick up the violin again. I had never been in orchestra before I came to STAB. I still re- member the first day of Counterpoints, being very nervous. For the first time, I did sight readings, played jazz pieces, and performed outside. I was also granted the great opportu- nity to see other musicians perform. For ex- ample, Genna Matthew, Tommy Carpenter, John Riser, and Tom Rathe showed me what it is like to be truly loving and enjoying music and how music is an experience of connect- ing to the audience. Now, whenever people ask me if I want to go to a music school, I say, “Not in a million years!" I can’t even imagine how much stress I would have experienced if I was still majoring in music. I realized that it was much better for me to not to get into the music school, even though it seemed as if the world was falling apart at that time. The cliché, “Everything happens for reason” was true; it might seem wrong at that time, but it will eventually turn out to be good.
As the father in the Taoist story said, we nev- er know what will eventually be good or bad. However, I believe that things turn out to be good luck if we have right intention in our mind. The Hindu scripture Bhagavad Gita – which, some of you guys may remember
CLAIR HONG ’11
from third trimester religion class–instructs ‘renounce the fruit of action; and, freed from the chains of rebirth, they reach the highest bliss.’ To me, it means truly enjoying music,
being freed from the stress and reaching the highest bliss of music by sinking into it with- out worrying about how I would be judged. I wouldn’t have been able to renounce the fruit of action, if I kept it as my major. My realization utterly changed my perspective and attitude. After the rejection from the art school, I became very pessimistic toward ev- erything and I even thought I was born to fail. However, now, when things don’t turn out as I expected, I try to think it is God’s will to make my life better–and perhaps it is true. Je- sus at the cross needed to suffer from unbear- able pain, but it eventually was God’s love that cleansed our sin. The cross was needed to bring about the light of resurrection.
However, it is not to say that I am now daunt- less toward failures. I still get very frustrated when things don’t turn out as I desired. For example, I don’t jump for joy when my grades go down or when I lose in competi- tions. I am still extremely fearful of failures. The world is full of uncertainty and we en- counter countless challenges that can bring us down. However, when I have to go through those despairing moments, I try my best to think that things happen for a reason. After all, there is nothing we can do about what has already happened, and after all, we don’t lose anything for thinking that whatever happened to us is the way it is supposed to be, whether the result is favorable or not.
Therefore, now, I can answer my question that I asked six years ago; "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" God never for- sakes you; He does it for your sake.
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