Can You Be Too Camoufl aged? Jim Mize
smelled like a cigar-smoking sergeant with an affi nity for mules. The pattern looked like it had been splotched on by a pack of Boy Scouts with paintball guns. Today, when you buy camo, it’s so precise that it looks more like a tree than most trees do. This precision makes me wonder if you can be too camoufl aged. I fi rst asked myself this question
M
one afternoon at a beagle competition. I was coming back from a morning hunt and stopped to watch a friend’s beagle compete. It was one of those competi- tions where the field is fenced and overstocked with rabbits. The gallery beats the hedges to jump the rabbit and the dogs get graded on how accurately they track them. I was the only one in full camo and
my buddy’s dogs were milling around the onlookers. My friend was halfway through a tale of past beagle glory when I felt my right leg suddenly become warmer than my left. Looking down, I then realized I had been marked by one of his male pups. Though humiliating, it was diffi cult to blame the dog as I was the closest bush around. At that point, I began to think I
might be camoufl aged too well. And if I fooled a beagle, what else might go wrong?
For instance, a lot of critters do
nest in trees. Hornets might fi nd an arm to be a nice limb to hang a nest on. Or some squirrel might start looking for a cavity to den inside — not something I want to dwell on. Then, if I’m wandering around in
my Mossy Oak suit, what happens if I get termites? Do I take my clothes to Orkin for cleaning? In the event I fall asleep in the
woods, am I in danger of getting as- saulted by a woodpecker? It could hap- pen, especially if my Mossy Oaks were infested by bark beetles. It would take but one good drilling by one of those big pileated woodpeckers for me to switch back to blaze orange. Depending upon where you hunt, maybe you own a grass pattern to blend
y fi rst camo jacket came from an Army surplus store and
in on the prairie. This may be no safer as a lot of critters eat grass, in particular, some big ones. I’m thinking Brahma bulls and buffalo, for instance. Likewise, moving too slowly
through a hay fi eld might get you baled. Not all of your problems with
camo, however, will involve critters. For example, how will your buddies fi nd you when it’s time to go? Or what if other hunters move in on top of you without your knowing it? I have had hunters walk so close
without seeing me that when I spoke to them they jumped. Not that it wasn’t fun, but their fi rst reaction was to aim. Luckily, they couldn’t tell where I was. And if they can’t see you, how
do you know you’re seeing them? You might be watching a fi eld surrounded by other hunters. As much as camo has improved,
how do we know it won’t get even more sophisticated? I can see patterns getting so specifi c you’ll need a forestry degree to buy clothes. And will these clothes sell by the piece or by the board foot? You also will need a knowledge-
able clerk, so that probably rules out the average department store. For certain, Victoria’s Secret will never sell these clothes, even for women who hunt. That’s because camo hides you and Victoria never hides much. Besides, who would attend a fashion show where everyone disappears? Here’s what shopping will be like
in the future when a sales clerk tries to help you pick something out. “Well, sir, would you like to see something in an annual or perennial?” “Something in a tree pattern, I
guess,” I reply.
“Hardwoods or conifers?” “Hardwoods,” I say. “Probably
maples.”
“Well, would those be red maples or silver maples?” I think about it for a minute. “Tell
you what. Instead, just give me some- thing in a mockernut hickory, stunted growth, knot holes, weak limbs, but without much of a nut crop.” I don’t want to entice the squirrels
too much if I can help it. If they don’t have your size in the
future, that will not be a problem either. They will just sell you a seedling and let it grow until it fi ts. Maybe you can even let your kids wear them fi rst and they can pass them on to you when they get too big.
Some patterns would present
other difficulties. Suppose I bought something in a poison oak pattern. Would I break out in a rash? Or if I got a kudzu pattern, would
I need to buy the pants a little short, knowing how fast it grows? If these camo clothes get even
more authentic, will the leaves turn color in the autumn? And if they do, will they start to fall off later in the year? That could be terribly embarrassing if it happens while you’re in line at Wal- Mart. Certainly reinforces what Mom used to tell you about always making sure you wear clean underwear. Once these clothes become like the
trees they imitate, what do you do with them when they get dirty … put them in the compost? Cleaning these camo suits will
become a real challenge. Do you fertil- ize or dry clean? Use Tide or nitrogen? Fabric softener or Miracle Gro? And do I put them in the dryer or drape them over a tomato cage? If I buy one of those shaggy camo suits, will I need to water it and prune it? Wearing such lifelike clothes will
be an ongoing learning experience. What if the pockets grow shut? Do you need a chain saw to get your car keys? And do you have to zip the fl y shut or just let the vines tangle? Clearly, we’re moving into a new
era of clothing when it comes to camo. We’ve gone from a time when clothes make the man to one where clothes make the man disappear.
Jim Mize has collected the best of his outdoor humor in an award-winning book titled, The Winter of Our Discount Tent. Copies are available for $18.95 plus shipping and handling by calling 1-800-768-2500.
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