Gene Weingarten Below the Beltway
Heaven help us Gene explains religion
A
recent Pew Research Center poll found that atheists and agnostics are more knowledgeable about religion than are people of faith. Many of my fellow atheists are
smug about this, which is a shame. Gloating is arrogant. We should instead use our superior knowledge to patiently educate the rest of you nincompoops. I shall now take your questions about religion.
Q: Is the pope Catholic? A: Serious questions, please. This is science. Q: How is religion
different from superstition? A: Superstition is silly.
Religion is not. Q: But how can you
tell the difference between them? A: If it’s what you
believe, it’s religion. If it’s what the other guys believe, it’s superstition. Q: That’s too glib. A: Okay, let me give you
an example. Hindus and Jains worship Ganesha, an elephant-headed god who rides a mouse. Christians and Jews consider this quaint and adorable, and they are, of course, respectful of other faiths, but they know, deep down, that it is poppycock. Q: Why? A: Because Jews and Christians know there is
only one God. And He cannot have tusks and a trunk, because He made man in his own image, out of dust and mud, and then made woman out of the man’s rib. So the whole elephant thing is obviously just completely preposterous. Q: Why isn’t anyone named Job or Ham or Japheth
or Abishag anymore? A: Because those names sound stupid. Today we
name our children Skylar, Jazlyn, Kaydence and Bristol. Q: If Adam and Eve had only Cain and Abel, how did
other generations happen? A: Everyone’s forgotten about Jazlyn. Q: Will you take a question about Muslims, or are
you afraid of … repercussions? A: I am afraid of nothing. Q: Why do Muslims … A: BECAUSE THEY ARE A TERRIFICALLY
WONDERFUL PEOPLE. Q: Why are you so down on creationism? A: Because it is an anagram for “I note racism.” Q: Do you think evolution is inconsistent with the possible existence of God?
A: Theoretically, no. An
all-powerful God could, of course, set evolution in motion. But it would mean a God who then completely washed his hands of us. Q: Do you deduce that
because of all the suffering in the world? A: No. I deduce that
because “evolution” is an anagram for “I love u not.” Q: If God didn’t create the
universe, how do you atheists think it began? A: With a Big Bang. Q: Oh, yeah? Well, what
came before the Big Bang? A: The Big Diamond
Ring. Q: You don’t know, do
you?
A: No, but the prevailing scientific sentiment seems
to be that because time began at the precise moment mass and energy did, there was no “before.” So trying to answer this question is like trying to taste your own tongue. Q: That sounds like a cop-out. A: Well, there are other theories involving “branes”
and colliding dimensions, but no one really understands them, even the physicists who came up with them. Q: So you just accept it all … on faith? A: Q: A: The pope is indeed Catholic.
E-mail Gene at
weingarten@washpost.com. 36 The WAshingTon PosT MAgAzine | november 14, 2010
ILLUSTRATION BY ERIC SHANSBY
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64 |
Page 65 |
Page 66 |
Page 67 |
Page 68 |
Page 69 |
Page 70 |
Page 71 |
Page 72 |
Page 73 |
Page 74 |
Page 75 |
Page 76 |
Page 77 |
Page 78 |
Page 79 |
Page 80 |
Page 81 |
Page 82 |
Page 83 |
Page 84 |
Page 85 |
Page 86 |
Page 87 |
Page 88 |
Page 89 |
Page 90 |
Page 91 |
Page 92 |
Page 93 |
Page 94 |
Page 95 |
Page 96 |
Page 97 |
Page 98 |
Page 99 |
Page 100 |
Page 101 |
Page 102 |
Page 103 |
Page 104 |
Page 105 |
Page 106 |
Page 107 |
Page 108 |
Page 109 |
Page 110 |
Page 111 |
Page 112 |
Page 113 |
Page 114 |
Page 115 |
Page 116 |
Page 117 |
Page 118 |
Page 119 |
Page 120 |
Page 121 |
Page 122 |
Page 123 |
Page 124 |
Page 125 |
Page 126 |
Page 127 |
Page 128 |
Page 129 |
Page 130 |
Page 131 |
Page 132 |
Page 133 |
Page 134 |
Page 135 |
Page 136 |
Page 137 |
Page 138 |
Page 139 |
Page 140 |
Page 141 |
Page 142 |
Page 143 |
Page 144 |
Page 145 |
Page 146 |
Page 147 |
Page 148 |
Page 149 |
Page 150 |
Page 151 |
Page 152 |
Page 153 |
Page 154 |
Page 155 |
Page 156 |
Page 157 |
Page 158 |
Page 159 |
Page 160 |
Page 161 |
Page 162 |
Page 163 |
Page 164 |
Page 165 |
Page 166 |
Page 167 |
Page 168