USA to Monaco, and the old favourite, hookers! Good times.


One set of guests required 75 cupcakes with varying decorations, to be displayed only during breakfast. A grand total of two were eaten, then the stews were instructed to clear them ready for next days ‘theme’. Lucky chef!


I was asked to make more of an effort plating the dog’s food. Haunts me every time I walk down the pet food aisle or see a Whiskas ad.


Then there’s the case of the owner’s wife turning up early to surprise him. Imagine his delight! As he informs his mistress who has to have her holiday cut short…. Fortunately the helicopter pilot gave the captain the heads up – cue a crazy manic mission by the crew to remove all traces of the mistress before the missus arrives including wardrobe and bathroom toiletry changeovers, clean fresh everything… best part was when the mistress made it known she was not happy by taking the owner’s laptop, car keys, and phone, marching to the bow of the yacht and chucking them overboard.


She was then hidden in the tender garage until the owner’s wife was onboard and inside, and the deck crew snuck her out under cover of darkness. And who says yacht life isn’t glamorous?


Deckhand Annie happily remembered a run in with a difficult charterer, “I had a cocky guest not listening when we were getting them into the tender. There was quite a lot of chop so we were trying to time it well but he wouldn’t listen. He made it into the tender but hadn’t got his footing right and his balance went and he fell out the


I’m not sure if anyone offered to pee on the child but suspect, judging from his behaviour, there would have been a line of volunteers.


36 | AUTUMN 2019 | ONBOARD


other side... on their way to the airport. Obviously, we got him straight back on board and he wasn’t amused – I managed to keep a straight face until the other guests started laughing at him then it was fair game!”


One charter guest wrote on the preference sheet “Allergic to bee stings so most probably allergic to stingrays.” Because they’re totally in the same family aren’t they? Crew had to show the guest they had his epi pen close by whenever he went for a dip. Just in case.


I had an owner call from his cabin and ask for a bottle of champagne to be delivered to his cabin, and when I knocked and was invited in they were mid coitus and asked me just to open it and put it on the side.


Then there’s the request for a jar of coconut oil... which was promptly found as handprints on the suede headboard in the master. So many stews reported they have to ‘de- pip’ all cherries. Daily. A team of stews had the task of scrubbing all the shine off a box of apples, a chief had to peel the chocolate off a magnum icecream because they didn’t like the chocolate….


A chef was requested to do a quail egg white omelette and confessed after the first day, realising how labour intensive it was, she cheated for the rest of the charter. And another chef had to make a quail’s egg quiche on a regular basis.


Another chef favourite is the bacon eating vegetarian. Yes you read that correctly. The vegetarian who requests crispy bacon with all his ‘strictly vegetarian’ dishes. And then there was the actual vegetarian chef who was also fond of bacon. And duck. Not to mention the vegan guests who complained they weren’t served fish.


One Chief stew told me she had a request for “Chocolate ice cream. But only if it’s cold.” Which was interesting as another was asked for “Room temperature ice cream.”


Go buy a goat to sacrifice in the main salon because we need to cleanse the boat.


Then there’s the diet coke connoisseur, who requested all diet cokes had to be between certain dates, and would go through a few cans each time we opened one saying “it doesn’t taste right.”


Then there’s the Madame who requested 5 litres of full fat milk every day. To wash in. Well


I guess if ass’s milk was good


enough for Cleopatra than cow’s milk is good enough for the boss lady.


At the start of the season, one chef was asked to send photos of his hands along with his CV – he realises now he should have run for the hills then, let’s just say it was an interesting season. “I was asked to make more of an effort plating the dog’s food. Haunts me every time I walk down the pet food aisle or see a Whiskas ad.” I thought I’d seen everything until a chef sent me a picture of designer donuts – complete with Louis Vuitton and Chanel logos on.


A Shirley Temple with vodka. Please don’t tell my parents.


How about the guests who request empty jars to collect the ‘different colours of seawater’ wherever they go? This was a common request across the fleet this season.


And a teenager requesting a ‘Dirty Shirley’. When asked what exactly he meant, he said “A Shirley Temple with vodka. Please don’t tell my parents.” Because that’s only going to end well.


Well I think we should wrap it up there, although I believe we could probably get a book’s worth out of all the tales this season. So far. Can’t wait for the Caribbean Catch Up! Stay safe out there, and remember – life’s too short to not stop and have a giggle. Especially when it’s at someone else’s expense!


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