T
his summer season in the Med has been full of ups and downs, and ins and outs… job availability has been a little different from the usual crazy March to May
rush too for various reasons. It definitely seems more of the usual Med boats have stayed over the other side of the pond for the summer, choosing instead to cruise up to Newport, or even further to Canadian waters.
An increase in the number of yachts heading to the Baltic has also been reported, which has left a few empty berths over summer in the Med this year which is, frankly, unheard of. Perhaps owners are getting a bit fed up with the super high mooring costs? Or maybe they just fancied a change of scenery.
One thing, however, that has not changed, is the amount of jaw droppingly funny and/ or shocking stories that emerge on a day to day basis, in our lives tending to the super rich. As the Med season draws to a close, everyone’s flat out exhausted, I find it’s always good to have an ‘End of Season De-Brief’ whereby we hear about some of the spectacular incidents that have been occurring (don’t worry, no names – we protect the innocent… and the not so innocent) across the industry, in order to reassure ourselves that someone had it worse than you did.
Why do some guests find it hilarious to call you up to the sundeck with cocktails when halfway through a gross prostitute ridden orgy? And why are they always so unattractive?
So I hope you’re sitting comfortably. Let’s begin with one of the many sex stories. “Why,” asks Stewardess Nelly, “do some guests find it hilarious to call you up to the sundeck with cocktails when halfway through a gross prostitute ridden orgy? And why are they always so unattractive?” A good question. “All I could think of was how bad I felt for the deck crew who’d be cleaning out the jacuzzi the next day. Ewww.” Another one from poor stew Freda, “I had
an owner call from his cabin and ask for a bottle of champagne to be delivered to his cabin, and when I knocked and was invited in they were mid coitus and asked me just to open it and put it on the side.” Awkward, but at least they paused for her.
Another one from poor stew Freda, “I had an owner call from his cabin and ask for a bottle of champagne to be delivered to his cabin, and when I knocked and was invited in they were mid coitus and asked me just to open it and put it on the side.” Awkward, but at least they paused for her.
Anchored off with the family from hell on board. Vile children who dropped chocolate on the salon carpet on purpose, wiped their noses on the walls, smeared peanut butter on any shiny surface…
How about the swinger yacht? Well the guests wandered around pretty much naked all the time and the interior team never knew which room they’d all end up waking up in. The Mrs would ask the chief stew multiple times at breakfast to ensure her vibrator was fully charged. Let’s just pop that on the to-do list shall we… and AA batteries on the shopping list…
Then there was the 3am guest request in Naples for the chief stew to “go buy a goat to sacrifice in the main salon because we need to cleanse the boat”. What happened to just wanting a burger?
Ever have those charters where the principal’s kids are anything but sweetness and light? The ones who like to make life more difficult for all crew? Well this one little mite got his comeuppance. Captain Cory smiled at the memory, “Anchored off with the family from hell on board. Vile children who dropped chocolate on the salon carpet on purpose, wiped their noses on the walls, smeared peanut butter on any shiny surface… that sort of thing, and obviously the parents thought they were angels. My poor interior crew were close to melt down. So, the mom saw a plastic bag behind the boat in the water, told her
8 year old to grab it so we could put it in the bin. Turns out it was not a plastic bag, it was a jelly fish and the poor lad ended up with a really nasty sting. I shouldn’t laugh, but… “I’m not sure if anyone offered to pee on the child but suspect, judging from his behaviour, there would have been a line of volunteers.”
It’s not just the guests misbehaving. Oh no. One captain told me he had an issue with a decky who was good at his job but ‘creepy’ with the guests. Another told me they had a problem with a couple on board where she kept trying to sleep with other crew, and even made a pass at a guest despite the fact she shared a cabin with her boyfriend.
A design flaw on one particular motoryacht has led to some rather awkward moments for the deck crew – the tender hangs off on the starboard side and overlooks the portholes of a guest toilet. Far too many times there’s been some pretty intense eye contact between crew and guest. Yikes.
Boss’s wives have been in full flow this summer with their demands, various yachts have reported being forced to pull out all the stops and have things flown to them, including live lobsters from Barcelona, crates of champagne by a sea plane when they ran out whilst partying (and the chief stew assured me they started with A LOT of stock), a very particular brand of handmade gelato from Italy (and they kept it frozen!), a doctor with a supply of viagra, weight watchers jello crystals came in from the
I had a cocky guest not listening when we were getting them into the tender. There was quite a lot of chop so we were trying to time it well but he wouldn’t listen. He made it into the tender but hadn’t got his footing right and his balance went and he fell out the other side... on their way to the airport.
ONBOARD | AUTUMN 2019 | 35
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