73 Life Aboard BY MARIANNE BARTRAM
Marianne lives aboard the MV TRESHNISH on the river dart with her husband nigel
pleasure! Banged up, having undergone a sudden and unexpected transformation from river rat to gaol bird! I rather welcomed it on some levels as I doubt “Yuman Rights” allows prisoners’ heads to be dripped upon as mine is on daily basis and the thought of hot showers, three square meals a day, gyms, libraries, farms and gardens will all be a total five star experience and an utter doddle after five years of battling the river Dart. I could even have my teeth fixed if I could persuade somebody that they had been removed by an irate inmate (instead of my plunging head first down the companionway due to unexpected wash). Furthermore, given I am a dab hand at writing letters to tiresome authorities, I anticipate a huge demand for my services. I don’t smoke, so my baccy limit is up for trade. I have read Jeffery Archer’s Prison Diaries (I like to be prepared) and with my understanding of “ Double Bubble” thanks to bartering with other river users, anticipate running the joint in no time. More later. We went to the Boat Boot Sale.
I
Approached a stall and were greeted by “Ooh! Look out, Proper sailors!.” Can only sadly conclude that we smell. I responded, “Au contraire, we just like to look the part.” Hub added helpfully, “As in all the gear - no idea”. He bought a fid to fiddle with. (you form an eye splice with it). I pounced on a cut glass jar topped with a pleasing swirl of Italian Murano glass. No doubt I shall find some sort of use for it in due course. Then we found two second hand sailing jackets - a trifle “sudden” perhaps with their yellow panels but a steal at £30. The stall holder insisted on our taking what appeared to be padded romper suits with plump braces. I cannot imagine any conditions being sufficiently foul to persuade me to wear them, not even double incontinence. Along with everybody else, we felt obliged to buy armfuls of ropes and the odd fender. Five years afloat has left me with the mixed blessing of super sensitive hearing and I love the snatches of conversation I overhear. “No, I’m telling you mate, I had one and it tore the cleat right out” or, cautiously, “Well, you could buy it, I don’t say you couldn’t but mark my words - it’ll bring the mast right down on you.” and my particular favourite, “ You’re heading where? You’ll need more than
feared that by the time you read this, I would no longer be at large. Might be in pokey, chokey, in the “big house”, residing at her Majesty’s
a GPS and a liferaft son, you’ll need a military escort and an up-to-date will.” I became over excited and boughta new life jacket. Once back on board, I read the instructions and set about it. Mistake. Big mistake. “ Fold inner edge at an angle to ensure lifting becket is concertinaed into the final chamber collar.” Worse was to come: “ Whilst carefully folding the right side chin support diagonally, equally fold the bottom left chamber over the upper operating head in half to fit underneath the inflation mechanism.” It now becomes apparent that I have accidentally torn it apart. Scraps and bits are scattered all over the table. I began to cry.
You land lubbers may or may not know this but we have a
wonderful language afloat.
I later demanded, having gulped down some wine, an apology from Hub as there can be no justification for “ Oh, give it here - what is it with women?“ No, none whatsoever. Having said that, if he was not on board I would be left to consume only such insects as gained entry and drink from whatever dripped down from the cabin roof. I fear I am going mad and possibly on the verge of - I don’t know - sending photographs of weird shaped
vegetables to the Daily Mail? As in “ There I was peeling potatoes and this cheery cheeky chappy emerged.” Kill me. Please. You land lubbers may or may not know this but we have
a wonderful language afloat. No, not swearing - well, not all the time anyway - but flags and hoots! It comes with all its ostensible politeness but sinister undertones. It all has to be properly interpreted. For example, a vessel sporting a black circle, a triangle and another black circle means “ I have a restricted ability to manoeuvre” or “Get out of my way, you idiot, because I can’t get out of yours. I can, however, reduce you to a few bits of driftwood.” Five blasts on a horn tells you, “I do not understand your intentions” or in other words “What the hell do you think you are doing?“ A red flag informs “ I have inflammable fuels on board” for which read “ I am highly capable of blowing
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