A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to


lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave


diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, they have lost the plot!!


I was at a cash-point yesterday when


a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.


A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'


My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about seconds.’ I bought her a scale.


Went around to a friends house today.


His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.


Saw my mate outside the Doctor's to- day looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C," he said. "What, cancer?" "No, dyslexia."


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea >>> move.


Man sitting at home on the veranda, with his wife, says: "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replies, "It's me...talking to the beer."


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