The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Harold & Ethel.
Harold: You are looking a bit more wrinkled than usu- al today my dear. Ethel: Not really dear, I just had a nap on that candlewick bedspread.
When I woke up this morning I just knew something was wrong. There wasn’t the usual smell of bacon cooking. So I went downstairs to investigate and there was the wife lying on the kitchen floor, unconscious. I didn’t know what to do, but then I remembered that McDonalds serve breakfast till 10.30 am.
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Dear Wife, I am writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell; your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me any more; you don't want anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more - whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband PS: Your sister and I are moving away to Morecambe together! Have a nice day. ************************************************** Dear Ex-Husband, Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whinging and whining. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice your haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers - I turned away from you because the £29.99 price tag was still on them and I pray it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed £30 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the Lotto for £10 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My Solicitor said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me. So take care. Your Ex-Wife - RICH and FREE! PS: I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope that's not a problem.
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