without). Simple as it may sound, try to stay aware of the fact that he is not your father, for better and for worse. This requires some understanding on your part about what you got and didn’t get from your own father.

Speak up for what you

want. If dad isn’t living up to certain realistic expectations, put it on the table in a healthy way. Instead of complaining, or just angrily doing something yourself, you can say, ‘It’s really important to me that you spend more time with our children or that you share in the discipline.’ Treat parenting issues as you would any other issue in a relationship; ask for what you want, be reasonable, negoti- ate, and don’t play it all out in front of the kids. If you are truly unsatisfied with what you get, don’t pretend everything’s fine; resentment corrodes rela- tionships. Get outside support if necessary.

Encourage Competence.

Far too few men were raised with the idea that nurturing and caretaking are essential qualities of any male, let alone that he should be preparing for fatherhood. The first baby many men today hold in their arms is his own newborn. When dads are sidelined or considered less competent – whether in caring for a newborn or in making important child care decisions – an un- healthy cycle often occurs. Mom does more, feels confident as a parent, but eventually becomes

resentful and overburdened. Dad does less, feels less competent as a parent, and eventually feels resentful at being left out.

Value The Father-Child

Bond. Dads need to be encour- aged – or as sometimes is the case, reminded – to make time to build his own unique relationship with his children. The research is clear: a close, emotionally con- nected dad-child relationship is a form of risk prevention and source of health and happiness

“In my work with dads, I always emphasize that we as men must take responsibility for realizing a new vision of fatherhood. Our

children depend on it and the women in our lives deserve it, and we, as men, need it.”

for children, dads and families. Renowned researcher John Gottman found that children with emotionally available dads do better in school, have better peer relationships, and relate better with teachers than children with more emotionally distant dads.

aspiremag.net

In my work with dads, I always emphasize that we as men must take responsibility for realizing a new vision of fatherhood. Our children depend on it and the women in our lives deserve it, and we, as men, need it. Women have traveled a great distance on the road from home to the world of work. They are not turning around. Now is the time for dads to ask more of ourselves, as well. Being a father is not something you are; it’s something you do. By showing up for our children and partners, learning new skills, building support networks, and measuring success by the quality and health of our relationships, modern dads have only just set out on the road leading back home. Together we will find our way.

JOHN BADALAMENT, EDM, is a Harvard-trained educator, leading expert on fatherhood, and the author of The Modern Dad’s Dilemma. He is also the director of the acclaimed PBS documentary All Men Are Sons: Exploring the Legacy of Father- hood. His work has been featured in the New York Times and other publications. Visit him online at www. moderndads.net.

Based on the book The Modern Dad’s Dilemma© 2010 by John Badala- ment. Printed with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA. www. newworldlibrary.com

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