Issue 31 / September 2011 iz
THE GUESTLIST NETWORK
www.guestlist.net
9 Qu WHERE DO YOU BELONG IN LONDON?
Been scoping out the property pages in the back of the newspaper? TGN will take care of this one; we’ve put the petty questions of money aside and checked the important criteria to find out exactly where in London you should be living...
1. What do you drink on a night out? a) Strongbow b) Champagne c) Ale d) Cocktail
2. Who do you live with? a) Myself, my soul and my thoughts b) OMG, I literally live on my own, like I’ve got my own flat and ev- erything, but like, Crystelle is over all the time and I like, don’t know if I could even live without her, you know? c) Me cheese and kisses, me mum and me currant bun d) I live with my bitches and I love them
3. What do you do on your day off? a) I write poetry and think about how dark the world is, then cry b) I would totally have to meet up with all my friends, I would like, literally die by myself. I would go shopping obvs and then go to a spa, a hundred percent. Up for it c) Take a punt on a grunt down the Cream Cookies, grab a Ship in Full Sail with the lads and if I’m not too Cream Crackered go see the One Time Looker d) Go to the coffee shop with my girlfriends and talk about the total fashion disasters that walk past, then go to the theatre
4. Which London market are you most likely to be found at? a) Camden Market b) Portobello Market c) Wembley Market d) Covent Garden Market
5. What are you most likely to be doing on the weekend in London? a) I drink at home ‘til I forget that
MOSTLY ARESULTS
Go to CAMDEN - Your soul is dark and you need people who can sympathise with that; go to Camden where you should feel a lot more comfortable. Everyone there is different, exactly like you.
MOSTLY B
Go to CHELSEA - Why, aren’t you incredibly popular? It must be wonderful living the life of a self-reliant adult. We recommend Chelsea as the best place in London for you to live, mingle with your friends and hide from the rest of us. One more thing, why the hell are you reading The Guestlist Network?
MOSTLY C
Go to PECKHAM - If you actually understood those answers then you are either already in East London or you’ve been struggling to communicate with people for some time. Either way, head to Peckham where you will find all the Jack Tars, Battle Cruisers and Fridge Freezers you could want. I have no idea what I just said.
the world is just a sombre abyss, then I meet my brothers of dark- ness and go to a pit of sin to head bang ‘til I can’t tell what’s the floor and what’s the wall anymore. Then I grab a kebab b) I would have to go to Leicester Square, but to, like, an uber cool club, not like one of those ones for poor people and literally drink champagne ‘til I chunder every- where! OMG c) Get rid of the Basin of Gravy then down to the Rub a Dub and
Tiddlywink ‘til I Wallace and Gromit d) I’d go down to Ku Klub, G-A-Y or whatever is hot, hot, hot. The weekend means it’s time to shimmy on that dance floor and pick up something tasty
6. What do you wear on a night out? a) Thinking about your appear- ance is so shallow, I don’t even care I just have to make sure that everyone knows that I don’t care what they think of me so I put in
all my piercings white face paint and wear my black Doc Martens, my black trousers (with chains), my Alice in Chains t-shirt and my long black leather coat. Or whatever b) If I’m going out I have to look lush or people will literally not see me, like I’m not vain but I’m really fit so people should know c) Me glad rags d) Oh my goodness, that would take me hours to choose darling, you know I can’t be seen looking shabby
7. What are your plans for the future? a) My future is black. We are only here to waste away b) OMG I’m going to be so impor- tant, like, I’m not sure exactly how but I can’t be like normal or I’ll be so angry, daddy is totally going to have to sort something out c) Get a nice little Tina Turner and stay away from the Bucket and Pail d) Find me a lover and be an artist
MOSTLY D
Go to SOHO - Like art, fashion and extortionate coffee shop chains? Head over to Soho where you can be trendy, cool and generally superior to everyone else. There are also plenty of gay bars, not that we’re assuming anything.
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