10
THE GUESTLIST NETWORK
www.guestlist.net
Fresher’s Week Be careful! SPONSORED BY
The Guestlist Network warns you about the dangerous elements of your freshers’ year that you won’t find in the campus welcome pack...
FRESHER WARNINGS
FUNGHI
Living with your fellow students? This is something that you will find in your shower which leads us nicely on to another F, flip-flops, which are what you’ll be needing to avoid your new shower friend.
RECOGNISING
This is inevitably an issue during freshers’ week. When you drag your alcohol-crippled body to the campus shop in the morning for something edible and absorbent someone will approach you and start talking about how mad last night was. They recognise you, which means you may have sworn at/had sex with/thrown up on this person yesterday but you won’t know it. Just nod, smile and calmly purchase your sausage rolls.
EDUCATION
SAVE YOUR DEPOSIT FOR THE IMPORTANT THINGS...
1 LAPTOP Dirty Snakebite Cider Lager Beer ZERO
COFFEES WITH
FRIENDS 7
DAMAGE 39 105
49 MESSY NIGHTS OUT HANGOVER CURES Stout 111 ASSORTED PINTS
1 - 2
HOURS ON THE PHONE
33 TRIPS CINEMA 1533
LESS HOURS AT WORK
ROAD MILES HOME, AND BACK
ONE CREATIVE SOLUTION
DAMAGE-FREE DECORATION FROM UNICUBE
www.uni-cube.co.uk 115 TAKEAWAYS Overdone it? These tried and tested remedies will either hold it down or spew it up...
• Healthy Option: Ginger ale or a banana shake with honey
• The Obvious: Sleeeeep...
• Enzyme Boost: Chomp asparagus before and after drinking
• Mongolian Mary: Outer Mongolians pickle a pair of sheep’s eyes in tomato juice
• Have a Haejangguk: Try the Korean beef broth of pork spine, dried cabbage, ox blood and veg
• Lemon twist: Rub a zesty half-lemon under your ‘drinking arm’ before a night out, say the Puerto Ricans
• Cup of Tea: Rabbit-poo tea brewed by the cowboys of the Wild West
• Protein Punch: Ancient Greek remedy of sheep lungs and not one but two owl eggs
This will be an intrusive element of your time at university but it is largely avoidable in the fresher year. Just make sure to gather a handful of the ‘right’ friends in the first week too, i.e. the ones who actually go to lectures and who take lots of notes.
Yes, this does still happen, but SLEEP
not as you know it. Sleep will no longer be a night-time affair that takes place in bed; it will now occur in seminars, libraries, cafes and that unfortunate house party which will leave you with marker pen stains on your face for weeks.
HOBO
At least one of these will be living in your flat. Yes, this technically means that they are not homeless but in most other respects it will difficult to distinguish the two. They will drink inhuman amounts of cheap cider, live in the same clothes for months, steal your food, never groom and borrow your money to spend it on drugs.
ENDURANCE
Forget the exams at the end; the biggest test this year will be of your endurance. Weekends lose their significance at university so any night is a good night to get wasted. Considering you will have so many opportunities to go out and so little willpower to resist the alcohol, you really don’t stand a chance.
REALITY
At some point this will hit you; not to worry, there is plenty more booze where the rest came from.
Issue 31 / September 201
Issue 29 / July 2011
HOW TO MA GETTING A J
Rotas? NI numbers? Uniform how to get by at uni without e
SELL yOur STuff - I assume you didn’t bring all your stuff with you to uni so now you’ll start realising how un- necessary that CD player you couldn’t throw away is. Put it on eBay; whatever you make, it’s bound to be a profit. And those clothes you were keeping just in case? No. Sell them. Buy some vodka.
EnTrEPrEnEur - If there’s one thing students are short of (other than money) it’s good home-cooked food. Take advantage of this gap in the market; make a massive lasagna, invite people and charge them a quid each, or
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