SIMPLE STEPS REAL CHANGE MAGAZINE
that runaway train, we want you to take a deep breath and ask yourself the following questions:
• What was my partner trying to tell me?
• What was my part in escalating this disagreement?
• What brings me joy? Start thinking thoughts that make you happy...a
We realize that not all upsets can be handled this easily. Let’s say the situation went from loving to ugly instantly. It happens. When it does, you need to remember Einstein’s famous words: No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. What does that mean exactly? It means that when you are in a heated exchange, it is not the best time to try and solve the issue. Instead, we suggest that you and your partner adopt the following agreement: I love you enough; I love me enough; I love our relationship enough not to continue down this negative path. Let’s agree to take a 30 minute time out, cool down, get back to the place of loving one another again, and then continue the discussion. Physiologically, this will give your body time to calm down and it will give you time to refocus your energy on what you want (a loving relationship) not the lack of it. This might be a radical or unfamiliar way to deal with conflict, but it is one that yields very positive results.
There are a few other pieces to this Cool Down Exercise that will assist you. When people are upset, it is normal to begin thinking the worst... my partner is a jerk. This is never going to work. Why do I stay in this relationship? Instead of jumping on
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playing with your pet, your last
vacation...then switch to loving thoughts about your partner.
sunny day,
If you each take 30 minutes to ask yourself these questions, you will be in a place to end the disagreement when you come back together. The momentum will be shifted away from anger and disappointment and back to the place of love and companionship. If you are still upset after 30 minutes, it is important that you still come back together. Simply let your partner know that you need an additional 30 minutes to cool down. It is helpful to tell him at this point that you love him, you would simply like more time to work through your feelings. Then re-ask yourself the three questions above.
This exercise can keep a minor disagreement from turning into an ugly situation. The steps are simple, but not necessarily easy. This
effort. One thing is for sure: the momentum will build in whichever direction you choose to focus. If you focus on what is not working in your relationship, you will get more of that. If you focus on what is working in your relationship you will create more of that. Begin with baby steps, be patient with yourself while you are learning, and watch for the shift to happen.
practice takes consistent
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