Avoid These 11 Intimacy Killers Closeness? Want By Lori Radun
As human beings, we all have an innate need to be close to someone. But sometimes the very thing we desire is the opposite of what we have. Some of us subconsciously sabotage the relationships we want because of our fear of intimacy. Sometimes we unknowingly and unwillingly drift apart because of our inability to engage in the delicate dance of intimacy. Others avoid intimacy altogether because the pain of past failures is too great.
Intimacy, physical and emotional close- ness, is tough to navigate our way through. It takes skill, hard work and commitment. I wish I could tell you it is easy once you know how. True intimacy is tough to achieve, but who says the best gifts are easy to obtain? In all honesty, I am certainly no expert on how to maintain and nurture closeness, but I have learned 11 things that will definitely kill intimacy in a relationship.
Dishonesty and Silence
Intimacy requires honesty and open- ness. It only takes one lie to destroy the trust in a relationship. To be close to someone, we need to be able to share what is true and real about us. And we must be willing to hear someone else’s truth. Sometimes we think that it is best to not say anything at all if it means it may hurt our partner. So we
58
silently hang on to our truth or share our truth with the wrong people. When we do this, there is no opportunity for the relationship to grow with integrity.
Lack of Trust
Sometimes there is no dishonesty in the relationship, but still a lack of trust exists. Perhaps healthy trust has never been a part of your life, or maybe a painful event in life has fractured your ability to trust. A person must heal from their past and base their decision to trust someone on the present actions of a person. Deem people trustworthy until proven otherwise.
Desire to Change People
True intimacy necessitates acceptance. Having acceptance of yourself and your partner is a powerful indicator of love. It doesn’t mean you have to like everything, but you need to let go of the need to change another person. When we lack acceptance of another person’s qualities, our tendency is to control. That control manifests itself in disapproving feelings, and sometimes even pressuring people to change. To feel close to another person, you must feel unconditionally accepted for who you are.
Inability to Express Your Needs and Feelings
Unfortunately we, as humans, do not have the power to read minds. There- fore, we have to rely on our partners to communicate with us and vice versa. It is each person’s responsibility to express their needs and feelings. By sharing who we are and what’s impor- tant to us, we significantly increase our chances of having our needs met. On the other hand, if we repress our needs and feelings, we shut the other person out of our world, and make intimacy impossible.
Not Listening
Communication is a two-way street. Many of us have no problem talking, but listening poses more of a chal- lenge. Listening requires us to hear our partners with our heart. An added step to listening is acknowledging what we have heard. Are you really hearing your partner’s feelings and needs? Or are you thinking about how your partner is wrong or how you want to defend yourself? If your partner is constantly communicating the same need or feel- ing to you over and over, chances are you are not hearing your partner with your heart.
June/July 2011
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64 |
Page 65 |
Page 66 |
Page 67 |
Page 68 |
Page 69 |
Page 70 |
Page 71 |
Page 72 |
Page 73 |
Page 74 |
Page 75 |
Page 76 |
Page 77 |
Page 78 |
Page 79 |
Page 80 |
Page 81