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A Caring Private Dental Practice creating confident smiles at affordable prices.

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109 Preston New Road, Blackburn, Lancashire. BB2 6BJ

1956. At Aintree's Grand National, the Queen Mother's horse Devon Loch cleared the last fence well ahead of the field but collapsed before the finishing line. But which horse went on to win the race. Answer on page 12.

YtÇàtáà|v byyxÜá bÇ TÄÄ VtÜÑxàá 9 Uxwá

398 Blackburn Road, Accrington BB5 1SA

01254 383597

Honk your horn if you love peace and quiet.

Grumpy Git

Since this column last lit up your living rooms there has, of course, been a major announcement. I refer not to the sad separation of Lenny Henry and Dawn French although their twenty-five years of marriage was always doomed for failure while she clung so securely to her maiden name. I am talking inevitably about the looming General Election. Now of course it would be unfair, and also totally unethical of such a broad-church publication as the Herald to guide you down one particular narrow avenue. It is however the most pressing topic of the moment. All over the country the troops have been mobilised and party activists have crawled out of the woodwork from Blackpool North to Bexley and Old Sidcup. From long-haired Guardian readers, to blue-rinsed Miss Marple-types they have begun the inexorable process of knocking on our doors pleading for our votes on May 6th. Of course in doing so they face a task of unprecedented diffi- culty. The expenses scandal that rocked the current Parliament has totally discredited politicians of all colours in the eyes of a significant section of the electorate. No party can claim anything like the moral high ground given the claims for duck ponds and the cleaning of moats were not exclusive to Labour, Conservative, or Liberal Democrat. So before you pledge your undying support for red, blue, or orange, you have a justifiable right to ask the door-steppers why you should trust in their candidate and exercise your franchise in the first place? The answers to that question may vary in their plausibility. However, irrespective of that, it is absolutely crucial you cast your vote. I won’t patronise you with lectures about how precious democracy is and how many of our brethren worldwide are denied that right. But if you are at any stage in the next five years to criticise our government with any credibility, you must have voted in the election. If you don’t buy a ticket, you’re not entitled to join in the raffle. My worry is our underclass, so obvious on the streets of East Lancashire, that can barely string a sentence together let alone debate the relative merits of Keynesian economics, is more likely to be in the police station than the polling station at 9.55pm on that momentous Thursday evening. We cannot allow the turnout figure to drop yet further. Hence I advocate, much against my democratic principles, that voting should be made compulsory, with the important caveat that “None of the above” should be an option. Earlier I referred to politicians of three hues. Of course we have other candidates. The Green Party made an immediate splash in the campaign when they managed to ground all of Europe’s civil airliners cutting emissions massively at a stroke. I swear you could almost sense the improvement in the air quality. We have a selection of one-issue candidates fighting in carefully chosen constituencies. And we also have the darker, shadowy figures waging a war against people of different-coloured skin and religion who will be reliant on you staying at home, or being taken in hook, line, and sinker, by their simplistic racist response to all of society’s ills. You dabble with them at your peril. For them it would be gays, disabled, and elderly next. For me far too much is being made of the televised leadership debates between Messrs Brown, Cameron, and Clegg. This is simply a triumph of style over substance. We never had these debates before yet could be trusted to vote sensibly. I am much more interested in policies and principle than I am in colours of shirt, and the best application of make-up. I wonder just what difference it would make if politicians were banned from television during the campaign. If we could only hear what they had to say rather than how pretty they were in delivering it. Recently I logged on to a very useful site (www.voteforpolicies.org) that gives you the policies of the main parties without indicating which is which. By ticking the boxes under each policy heading, it then reveals which party you are nearest in terms of ideology. Sadly for me, as I predicted, I plumped for a mish-mash of different party’s policies. I guess if anything that spells out the lack of clear blue water nowadays, and also perhaps the realisation amongst most parties that a period of austerity and even pay-back is very much required after the excesses of the previous decade. Oh and by the way, the last time I checked that site, after over sixty thousand surveys, the Green party was winning. New tree houses for all ! Listen to me now. You know it makes sense. Get up early on the 6th. Walk to the polling station. If it’s raining arrange to take your elderly neighbour or relative. In the privacy of that little booth, clutch that pencil. Make a cross and make a difference. You absolutely must.

6.

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. “Sod that.” said Paddy. “That's the last time I go lion dancing.”

The British Government apologised to the public last week for the misunderstanding with the Icelandic Government. A spokesman said, “It was a case of Chinese whispers, we asked them to send cash not ash.” It was a similar situation in the second world war when the message came from the front line as “ Send reinforcements, we’re going to advance.” The Government misread the message as, “ Send three and fourpence, we’re going to a dance.” Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28  |  Page 29  |  Page 30  |  Page 31  |  Page 32  |  Page 33  |  Page 34  |  Page 35  |  Page 36