STYLE | Feature


Lady Penelope


Always to the point, the practically perfect Lady Penelope resolves readers’ issues, problems and general ignorance… with style


Drying out gracefully


I’m doing the dry January thing, but I can’t really see any change in myself or feel much different. How long does it take?


By the end of a week you’ll have the alcohol out of your system and by the end of a fortnight you’ll feel more alert. Get to week three and you’ll be positively born again, boring everyone with the benefits. Usually this wears off and by the end of the month you’ll be counting down the days to your February drink and chewing the carpets.


Note: You’ll crave the sugar that was in the alcohol – if you replace it with chocolate and sweets you’ll begin February a stone heavier and with a humungous hangover.


Clucking it Up


The bride has asked that we all go on a hen holiday to Ibiza, wear matching T shirts with “I’m only a bridesmaid, not the bride” and get matching tattoos whilst we’re being ‘hens on tour’. What do I do?


Book a holiday in the Caribbean instead and tell her that you suddenly have to go abroad for work, and sadly it just happens to be on those exact dates. Those hens may never talk to you again, but you’ll have the best tan at the wedding.


Dying for enlightenment


I’m dying for a spiritual awakening. My friends are all having them, but I just can’t seem to get in the right place. What do I do?


According to my research, the act of searching for enlightenment precludes you from actually getting it, which makes it rather a frustrating pastime. Are you sure about these friends? They could be faking it. Buddha sat under a tree meditating for 49 days and it alighted upon him. You could try that, but you might lose your job, family, house and sanity and, at this time of year, you’ll probably get piles and/or freeze to death.


January blues


I’m so sad now that Christmas is over. I’ve got no money until the end of the month, and neither have my friends, and all my creditors keep ringing me. What can I do?


Go for a walk. Get your friends to go for walks with you. You could do dry January – alcohol is bloody expensive. Remember that your creditors are only ganging up on you because all those poor sods at the end of the phone are on commission and they’re broke too. Tell them very politely that you’ll pay them after you get paid. Then go for another walk.


Posing a Problem


My yoga teacher is very touchy feely and he keeps helping me to ‘hold my poses’ by manipulating my lower body. Should I be worried?


Well you can’t catch anything through Lycra, as far as I’m aware. Or are you worried that he’s coming on to you? If so, I’d check his yoga pants for signs of a mountain pose whilst he’s helping you with your downward dog. You’ll now have to decide whether to form a bridge or to take your asanas elsewhere.


Vegan baiting


I’ve become a vegan but when I’m out for dinner and tell my fellow guests they can be so nasty and negative to me. Why?


When you tell people that you don’t eat meat or animal products, a lot of them actually hear you say: “I think I am better than you. Please be rude and defensive.” Make up some crazy story about having to become vegan because of the terms of your mad millionaire grandmother’s will and they’ll soon change their tune. But make sure you tell them you’re awaiting the settlement or they’ll expect you to pay the bill.


To pose your problems to Lady Penelope please email office@styleofwight.co.uk 130 styleofwight.co.uk


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