FAMILY
Goodbye doesn’t have to mean forgetting
Fostering a looked-after child brings so many wonderful experiences; from watching as the child grows and develops, to creating happy family memories together.
But when the inevitable happens and it is time to say goodbye for one reason or another, such as the child moving on to live independently, reuniting with their birth family, or finding their forever home, fostering can also stir up a number of emotional challenges.
Moving a looked-after child on can be a difficult situation for all involved – foster carers aren’t superhuman, it’s natural to feel a sense of loss. But learning how to cope is also a trademark trait to have, as in the case of Rotherham Council foster carer, Dot. Dot, now 64, has been fostering children, predominantly babies, for 19 years, the majority of whom have gone on to be adopted. During this time, she has been crucial in
creating so many forever families which she says can be both a happy and sad time for foster carers.
“I always get asked, ‘How do you do it, how do you let them go?’ But you just have to keep in the back of your mind that, although it might seem like it, the children in our care are not our children. Like building a house, we’re simply laying the foundations to enable forever families to build upon.
“That doesn’t mean it’s not hard or it gets easier over time. We invest so much into the child and they take a piece of our hearts with them. But I always remind myself of the positives we achieved together and am grateful that a child’s life could have been very different without my support,” Dot says.
Most of the babies who are placed with Dot come straight to her from birth and remain in her care until a judge decides on the best outcome for the child’s future. If adoption is decided, it can sometimes be a long and stressful process for both adopter and foster carer, with both having to work together in the child’s best interests. “Some babies do have contact with their birth families but there are also those who are solely with me for the first 18 months of their life, I’m all they’ve ever known and then suddenly I’m not there anymore.
“But I have to remember that, while it’s difficult for me accepting they are moving on, it is also a nerve wracking and emotional time for the adopters, especially coming into a stranger’s house when you’ve only just met. But it’s never about us; the child is the main focus and they have to find the right match which 99.9 percent of the time it has been.”
Due to her extensive knowledge and experience, Dot now helps recruit and train new foster carers and is part of a big support network of carers in Rotherham who regularly meet up and discuss how to get through any struggles each other are facing.
But like so many people considering becoming a foster carer, Dot originally put off applying as she didn’t think she’d be accepted
due to her personal circumstances.
As a single mum of two, Dot thought the odds would be against her but was delighted and surprised when social workers suggested she could care for younger children from birth to two. Once her daughters, now 33 and 31, had grown up and flown the nest, Dot decided to increase her age bracket to children under six. Along with caring for babies, Dot and her family have also fostered a young boy who came to live with them aged four and has remained on a long-term child arrangement order ever since. “He’s 16 now and still with us. He fitted in perfectly with our family and has become my son, a brother to my two girls and a loving uncle to my little grandson.”
She might have got her hands full but Dot still finds the time to keep in touch with many of her former foster children who have since been adopted.
“It’s lovely to see the children happy and settled. Some look at you like they recognise you but aren’t sure why which signifies to me that it was the right choice to make and they’ve adapted to the change well.
“Other people question why an adopter would want to stay in touch; it used to be frowned upon as it was thought the child would be affected emotionally. But they all say I know things about their child’s first year of their life that only a birth mother would have known, crucial things we’d take for granted like illnesses and development. “The very first child I had is now 21 and we’re still in contact. He got in touch just recently actually to ask me to send some baby photos of him to put up around his 21st birthday party.”
Take the first steps towards becoming a foster carer
Find out more at one of our information days Rotherham Show
Saturday 8th and Sunday 9th September Fostering Marquee
(located near Clifton Park Museum) 10am-5.30pm
Rotherham Hospital Wednesday 12th September
9.30am-1.30pm
Rotherham Town Hall Thursday 20th September 10am-12noon
Thursday 18th October 4.30pm-6.30pm
Find out more about becoming a foster carer visit
www.rotherham.gov.uk/fostering or call to speak to one of our friendly team members on
01709 823976 46
aroundtownmagazine.co.uk
Swinton Scarecrow Festival Saturday 22nd September St Margaret's Church, Swinton 12-5pm
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