Every month ESSENTIAL
will bring you an
interview lad or lass in
the know, talking about
what they do best. For
Christmas, who could be
better than Scrooge to
give you the low down
Santa is old news. The elves
have no real decision-making
power. And - to our relief - a
prim and proper Mrs. Santa,
balked at being photographed
for the centre-spread of this
inaugural edition. ESSENTIAL
special correspondent Timon Gad
tracked down Scrooge, counting
his pennies and preparing
for his Christmas rounds – not the
ones you think… *
How are you spending this Christmas?
Calling in my debtors, same as every year. With the global
economic meltdown, most of my competition has run
aground, lost their fortunes, their jobs and their families
– but they still owe me! If they think I’m going to wait
because of the holidays, they’re sadly mistaken. If I let
them get away with it now they’ll only end up splashing
out on useless gifts for themselves – or worse, for their
children – that have no return on investment whatsoever.
Blasphemy, I tell ye.
You seem to enjoy it, the first part anyway…
It’s one of my favourite times of the year really because
of the collections and the most distressing because of all
the spending. I keep a list of every debtor in my bedside
table book – and it’s a very, very, very long list this year.
Just thinking about collecting makes me day-dream about
how I’ll pile it all up (rubbing hands). I go through the list
every night and fall asleep as I keep count. But I still hate
this gift exchange – it’s like people folding big fat rolls of
perfectly good bank notes very neatly and then setting
fire to them. I cant bear the thought… it’s… just… too
much for me.
Not getting anything for anyone at all, even yourself?
Didn’t you hear a word I said!... blasted leeches?!
(coughing) I don’t take wasting very well! And I’m wasting
my time just talking to you all – I could be counting
money. But since you’re here, I’ll tell you that when I was a
young lad, my aunt gave me a penny on Christmas day – I
enjoyed that, but the old crone told me to go and spend it!
On candy of all things… the nerve! Of course I did nothing
of the sort. I still have it. It’s been in my pocket ever since.
And no, I wont be giving it away! Or anything else for
anyone for that matter!
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