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two. Once men start to understand that women can trust men who can listen and love them sensually as well as sexually then they are totally attracted to tantra work. It’s simple and yet it can seem so far away. There is also a core piece of Living Tantra – both LT1 and the 18 month training – that is about learning the difference between giving and getting while touching. That is such a vital bit of information for me. Women open sexually when they are with someone who understands that not all touch leads to sex, when they can feel that the man wants them but won’t beyond what they are ready for. That can feel predatory.”


Simon was one such man. He has done a lot of Jan’s work and says it has transformed his relationship with women. “Through participating in different exercises with women, I realized that I got confused between desire and entitlement. I realized that my insecurity led me to act in a way that was too pushy with women or to censor my desire. I discovered through doing Jan’s work that it is fine to express my longing but the key is to not have any expectations of an outcome. This was a hard but very valuable lesson.”


This did not happen overnight. Simon stresses that it took the 18 month training for him to practice letting go of this behavior and really get it imprinted within. And it is no coincidence that he met his new partner – when he started Jan’s courses in 2011 he had recently split up from his wife – on that training. “It took time to deeply understand what good boundaries around touch meant, and to free me up enough to genuinely meet a woman on all sorts of different levels.”


He points out another significant aspect of tantra work for men is the relief of “letting go of the performance aspect around sexuality and the tyranny of the orgasm.” Simon says that his past behavior was particularly centred on his feeling that it was his duty to give his partner an orgasm which meant that sexuality was mixed up with guilt and obligation. In other words, far from a free place.


“I realized that it’s much more about being in that sensual moment than what I think is supposed to happen, and that was an immense liberation. I’d been looking for this kind of intimacy all my life but I had misunderstood what it was. I even misunderstood what women liked about me. I am kind and I had perceived this as not very manly. I also finally understood that our sexuality is unique, we don’t have to be like anyone else. There is no right way to be.”


Laurence had a different sort of experience as a man doing Jan’s Living Tantra work. “I have abuse in my background and I came into tantra being disconnected from men in general. My friendships were mainly with women. My relationship with men was based on distrust from past experiences,” he explains. “Over time during this work, I was able to have profound bonding experiences with men which gradually enabled me to trust more. The most surprising aspect is that bonding in a deeper way with men has enabled me to have better relationships with women. I am more confident and clearer in myself and my sexuality.”


Specifically Laurence says he benefitted from the Living Tantra 1 week because there was designated time spent with each other’s own gender. “Being in that supportive environment with men mean that I got a stronger sense of myself as a man and coming out of it I felt more defined as a man and women seemed to respond to me differently and more posi- tively. Another significant change in my life from doing Jan’s work has been how much more confident and at ease I am with my boundaries. I am much clearer about what I say yes and no to, what I can clearly ask for and being able to accept other people’s yes and no’s. This has had a significant effect on my confidence, created greater sense of safety with others and enabled me to be clearer and ask for what I want.”


London & South East Connection - April/July 2017 27


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