HEALTH
RICHARD BERCUSON A pack
Topo Notchi from a recognized medical school. Online med schools don’t count.
of doctors
A horrible thing happened last summer. My doctor retired. Just a few months before, my dentist did, too. Fortunately my urologist didn’t because that would have covered both ends of the spectrum, as it were. Thus began my hunt for a new GP. I was looking not just for a General Practitioner but a Great Practitioner, even a Greatest One. There were a few stipulations. 1. Had to be male. Only another male could understand why I don’t understand females.
2. Had to be younger than, oh, 46.7 years. No danger of him retiring before I waddle off to a retirement home where they help you put on your socks. Unless I move to Belize where you don’t need socks.
3. Had to have graduated Magna Summa Cum Supra Laude Excellenta
4. Had to be able to speak my language. That’s not necessarily English, though it would be my first choice. I’ve been known to talk in circles, using convoluted phrases, and way way way more adjectives than appropriate. The search began by handing out flyers with my photo, resume, medical history, and lists of words I regularly overuse. I went to pretty much every medical office in the city’s east end. I joined a web site called Search For The Perfect Doctor In Your Area Who Will Understand You Most Of The
Time.ca It spat out a list of doctors who were accepting new patients. Oddly, all had requirements:
• must be willing to accept a female doctor • must be willing to accept a doctor who is pretty close to finishing med school, correspondence schools included • must be willing to accept a doctor who finished at the bottom of the class since there’s always someone at the bottom of the class • must be willing to mime one’s medical needs. Knowledge of charades is an asset. This was going to be tougher than I’d anticipated.
Then I learned about a health centre where a doctor was accepting new patients with few stipulations. At least they weren’t his own, anyway.
The new thing these days seems to be teams of doctors. No one is in practice alone anymore. Maybe today’s doctors are a lonelier breed and need to work in packs. Maybe they can save money by sharing stethoscopes or blood pressure cuffs. Now you don’t just get the doctor; you get the team. I suppose that’s a good thing. My previous
doctor’s hours were shrinking before he packed it in. I had to get sick only between 9 am and 3 pm, excluding lunch hours, Monday
8 BOUNDER MAGAZINE
continued on page 32
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