In the next in her series of articles, psychologist, Anne Kelly, director of Staff Assure, a new company counselling service, addresses the concern many of us have, ʻif Iʼm so successful, why am I not happy?ʼ
Successful but unhappy
by Anne Kelly C.Psychol. BABCP Acc. Cognitive Therapist A reader writes:
I run a successful business and have always worked 24/7 and enjoyed the cut and thrust of growing it. But I'm in my fifties now and no longer enjoy it. I'm bored and tired. My family have grown up and my wife nags about being lonely, so home isn't great and our sex life has dwindled. I've noticed that I don't concentrate or remember well these days and that I'm tired and irritable (the beginning of old age?) I've begun to drink a bottle of wine at night, so my sleep isn't great either. To be honest, I think my best days are over and that I'm on the scrap heap.
Ann replies:
The symptoms you describe indicate that you're depressed ‑ not at all uncommon, in that one in six of us become depressed at some point in our lives. In order to assess the severity, I'd need to see you, but meantime let's look at possible causes and what you can do about it .
First. Understanding Depression: Working 24/7 for so long, especially when you've outgrown any enjoyment in it, produces stress, and long term stress puts you at risk of depression. Marital relations aren't great either, not helped much by your current irritability, but that's not to accuse, as irritability can also be a symptom of depression. The fact that your sex life has dwindled is also a symptom of depression ‑ one that can worry people a lot, but which usually returns to normal when the depression lifts.
If 'old age' in our fifties undermined vigour, memory and concentration, I'd be on the scrap heap with you! Loss of concentration, memory and lethargy do indicate depression however... Drinking a bottle of wine a night isn't a cause of depression, but a symptom. Nonetheless, alcohol is a depressant and that's the last thing you need right now. Instead of advising you to stop while you're depressed however, let's look instead at enabling you to feel happier, so that you don't need that bottle a night.
Second. Working on Depression: Now that you understand it, begin to put feelings of enjoyment and achievement back into your life. Known as Behavioural Activation, this concept seems simple, but has been empirically demonstrated to significantly reduce depression. For example, you don't mention hobbies,
which are great for creating feelings of enjoyment and achievement, especially hobbies involving exercise. Did you used to enjoy hobbies? If so, how long is it since you did ‑ can you begin again? If you think, "Oh, I'm too tired ‑ couldn't be bothered", try the 'five minute rule' i.e. try your hobby for just five minutes and see whether you want to continue. But do give it the five minutes.
In order to begin to combat depression, you need to include at least one activity into your day, every day, but make sure that it's one that gives you a sense of pleasure and achievement. Friends are also important to offset stress and depression ‑ do you have any, or were they abandoned because of work? Can you renew any acquaintances? What about your grown up children? Can you meet up with them/ share hobbies?
Negative Thoughts: When we're depressed we tend to look at life through dark tinted glasses, which maintain and reinforce depression e.g. let's look at your thought "I'm on the scrap heap". Does that thought make you feel better or worse? Is it even accurate i.e. would you describe someone else who has built a successful business and become stressed and then depressed as 'being on the scrap heap'? Or would you be more compassionate towards them? If we were to talk about your current thoughts, I bet there might be many more of these of which you're not even aware, and which are maintaining your depression ... Try to spot and correct them ‑ better still, contact us to talk to a CBT therapist, who will help you.
Marriage ‑ if you're working long hours, might there be a hint of truth in what your wife says about being lonely? Now that the kids have grown up, what might you two do together that you could enjoy? It could be anything ‑ belly dancing, sky diving, learning pottery in Peru ‑ whatever. You have the right to dream ‑ any dreams. You've worked long and hard and you've earned it.
“
Staff Assure is a new company counselling organisation, the first in Northern Ireland to be awarded professional accreditation and a National Regional Training award.
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