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Beat About The Bush: The Funny Side of Language with Phil Woods & Steve Smith. This month’s columnic writing is in regardment to the upwardly making of wordages in order to bring a spruced and grunomic humour to the order of life. Yes, we’re in a funny mood! If you remember Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie’s comedy double-act days as ‘Fry & Laurie’, you’ll know that in much of their humour they were creative in the use of language. Their sketches included made up words, or real words with the wrong prefixes or suffixes, as in the first sentence above. But where even Messrs Fry and Laurie feared to tread was in encouraging the masses to try to speak like that in public. That’s where we come in. As we count Fry & Laurie as our main influences, we pick up where they left off and encourage you to have fun with language. Here’s how it works. If I want to say, “At the moment I’m busy reading an article in The Herald”, that’s just fine, and perhaps even a little dandy, but it’s boring. This is more interesting: “At this momentary juncture my hand is turned to the reading of an articulatory piece of writing within the glossy confines of The Heraldic magazine”. It could be enough to get you committed, but it certainly spruces up the conversation! Here’s a brief explanation for the fascinated and perplexed: •


‘moment’ was changed to ‘momentary’. ‘Momentary’ means


‘brief’ and doesn’t quite make sense here, but you know what was meant because ‘juncture’, meaning ‘point in time’, is added. So a momentary juncture is a brief point in time. •


Didn’t You See The Sign ? On a Plumber's truck: 'We repair what your husband fixed.'


On another Plumber's truck: 'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.' At a Tyre Store: 'Invite us to your next blowout.' On an Electrician's truck: 'Let us remove your shorts.'


In a Non-smoking Area: 'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'


On a Maternity Room door: 'Push. Push. Push.'


At an Optometrist's Office: 'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'


On a Taxidermist's window: 'We really know our stuff.' On a Fence: 'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'


At a Car Dealership: 'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'


Outside a Car Exhaust Store: 'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'


In a Vets waiting room: 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'


In a Restaurant window: 'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'


In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 'Drive carefully. We'll wait.' Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck:


'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'


the phrase ‘turned my hand to…’ •


‘busy’ was changed to ‘hand is turned’, which is based on ‘article’ was changed to ‘articulatory piece of writing’.


‘Articulatory’ could arguably be the nature of something ‘articulated’, like a lorry, but with ‘piece of writing’ you think of an article. •


‘glossy confines’ is just a little flourish, and the magazine


title has been tweaked. It’s important to realise that the point isn’t to remember set phrases, but to use two or more words to describe one word, and to understand how prefixes and suffixes work in English and to improvise in their use for comedy value. The clever ones among us can take it a step further. Sometimes an unusual word can mean something entirely different from the ‘normal’ related word, but a nearby word or words brings the phrase back in line and it all makes sense. For example: “I would like to hiringly employ the services of the driver of a taxi cabbage.” or (from our book): “Please would you endow me with printed certification that will enable me to traverse from this, my point of embarkation, and then onwards to the conclusion of my triplet.” Whether you’re now smiling or completely baffled (or both), you’ve got to admit it’s unusual! Why not give it a go? What’s the worst that can happen? Yes, your family and friends disown you and you get locked up for your own safety. So seize the day! Be loosed onto your public and of an enjoyableness in the upwardly making of wordages. Let us know what happens. Phil & Steve We’d like your contributions for the sequel to our current book. If you’ve heard anyone say something that’s made you laugh, please tell us at thebook@philandsteve.co.uk We’re active on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and Blogger. Links at www.philandsteve.co.uk


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