Thank The Lord The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and eve- ry move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.


"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum." Women like silent men, they think they are listening.


I took my Dad to the Shopping Centre the other day to buy him some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting across from him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue. My Dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring at her every time. When the teenager had finally had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?” Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I wouldn’t choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ………… “Got blind drunk once and slept with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."


Instead of getting married again I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and buy her a house.


3.


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