Pocket Tazer Stun Gun,

a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that Sparked my interest. It was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I found was a 100,000-volt, Purse/pocket - sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the front of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the hell of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and … HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You won’t let go until it is dislodged from your hand by your violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel piece. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had soiled my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still

18.

looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

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Words of wisdom

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

New Makeover for Benny Charlesworth.

The shop originally opened in December 1984 selling antiques and collectables and although their antique trade is now mainly at International antique fairs they usually have a few pieces of furniture available in store. A large part of the business is still the collectable bears by Charlie Bears, Isabelle, Steiff, Deans, and they have new Deb Canham miniature bears coming into stock during March. The shop stocks bags by Kipling, Fossil, Ameko, Modalu, Nica, Fiorelli & Ciccia, and jewellery from Simstars charm beads, Sweet Romance, and C Popesco of Paris. Now an authorised stockists of the Tower Rings, Big Baby jewellery,

they also have “create your own jewellery cases,”

arriving from Stackers. Also arriving in March are New Jan Constantine pop art cushions & accessories. The business carries a huge range in their Lancashire boutique, some of which is also available in their online shop. With over 25 years experience, hunting for the best limited edition teddy bears, jewellery and designer handbags. So whether you're interested in making a beautiful home, looking great on a night out or adding to a cherished collection, the girls would love to chat on 01254 888550. Benny Charlesworth's pride themselves on the highest level of customer service, and most of their work is repeat business, but customer loyalty is earned and nothing is taken for granted. They now operate a super customer loyalty card scheme where every £10 spent counts towards free purchases. So why not call in for your free loyalty card & details of how the scheme works.

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