Governor Gabriel Cinomis, a Prairie Dog, gives his opinion of CBRN matters from his unique perspective


group of minions of Concurbitan Orthodoxy from arriving at the mayoral den and demanding I sign off on a pledge of undying loyalty and Confevfe to The Pumpkin. Ms Chuckworthy cringed at such an affront. I looked them all in their quite beady eyes and had a good long laugh. I then took their pledge and ran it through the shredder. Not getting the point, they asked me what it would take for me to resign. Having never had a scandal or anyone question my ethics, I told them their question was insulting and unseemly. I refused to answer. The minions of Concurbitan Orthodoxy then suggested my unwillingness to swear allegiance to The Pumpkin would cost me my job. Once again I laughed and had them shown the door of the mayoral den and associated burrow. These events immediately reminded


me of Wroclaw Paedo, The Bastard and No Dong Ill. I was even somewhat reminded of the Prime Lemming. I once tried to contact the Prime Lemming on a point of defence and was caught between her two attack voles. These vicious little creatures were vile in the extreme, spouting invective and generally making things so unpleasant I considered not bothering to share with the Prime Lemming intelligence which might have saved lives. Thankfully those two voles have been sacked and are no doubt eating each other’s young. What I was attempting to tell the


Prime Lemming was the importance of aiding our Thrombian allies against the forces of the True Way. I had the fortune of obtaining an audience with their chief military officer, the Sardar. I was impressed he had taken the time to meet me, having already travelled so far from Thrombustan. The Sardar provided a briefing which seemed straight out of a Hollywood military or disaster saga: numerous attacks (he detailed over 20) by the True Way on his forces and civilians with chlorine and mustard (not the condiment). In the harsh desert mountainous realm


of Thrombustan there was a chlorine production plant left by a former regime. The True Way looted this plant for the chlorine and then destroyed the rest. There was also a sulphur mine and production facility. This, too, was raided by the True Way and then destroyed. The difference was that


Prairie Dog A


s many know, the mayor of Dogtown is an elected position. This did not deter a


after destruction the sulphur mine/production facility appeared as a vast open sore on the landscape, a red-orange glowing Hell mouth. The resultant plumes of sulphur dioxide were detected from space. The last fire at this facility released 600kilotons of sulphur dioxide, the largest non-volcanic release ever recorded. The True Way, having captured a large city, adapted its university into a chamber of horrors. The facilities were converted to make war materials and chemical weapons. Local people who displeased them (or not, the True Way aren’t picky) became test subjects as they developed chemical weapons. The Sardar pleaded for assistance:


chemical protective gear for his troops. The Dogtown Ministry of Defence had previously sent some 60,000 protective outfits. These outfits do wear out, particularly if they are actually exposed to chemical agents. What some have warned, however, is not all of this equipment may be getting to the Sardar and his forces. Everything has to transit through Rock- Paper-Scissors and some feel they are ‘wetting their beaks’ before that material reaches the Sardar. More material is on its way to the Sardar via Rock-Paper-Scissors but like those infamous Berettas, will it all arrive in Thrombustan? Other allies of Dogtown have provided


material support to Thrombustan but one that has not fully stepped up is the Lemming kingdom. This is quite surprising as, typically, the Kingdom of the Lemmings is well known for being first up in providing diplomatic and material aid. When I questioned the Prime Lemming about why the kingdom has not provided chemical protective suits, there was some talk about continuity of care, so-called capability management. In her cold, dead voice the Prime


Lemming stated that anything as technical as a chemical suit must be accompanied by a life cycle manager, a capabilities manager, a tea-time manager [most important job! Ed.], second breakfast orchestrator and numerous random defence contractors and their spokes- lemmings. This puzzled me as these folks know how to use these suits or at least the instructions could be translated into Thromusese. I could understand the need or desire to train recipients in their use but the whole thing came across as an


excuse for not spending the funds to help these dogs fight the True Way. After all, the Prime Lemming was against funding and equipping her own police force – why spend money on someone else’s in some distant hot sulphurous mountain dump? The battle against the True Way has


been difficult but the forces of sanity appear to be winning, at least militarily. This has come despite the use of chemical weapons on the battlefield. Some True Way fighters are fleeing the sinking dhow and returning to more civilised lands. They are, unfortunately bringing their hatred and insanity with them. Thus far the attacks have been with vehicles and bombs. One hopes none of them will decide to tuck away a few mustard-filled munitions to share with the folks back home. In other news, the trouble with


fentanyl and fentanyl analogues and derivatives continues. During a drug arrest a police officer, who was wearing some type of protective mask and nitrile gloves, found what he thought and what the suspect told him was cocaine. After the arrest, the officer noted some white powder on his uniform. Having already removed his personal protective equipment, he nonchalantly brushed off the material. This was a poor choice for several reasons. First, even if the material had been cocaine he would have pulled away a very numb paw and perhaps, had there been a cut or abrasion a numb paw and a quickened heart rate. Second, the drugs offender could have been lying and the substance was not cocaine. Yes, the criminal did lie, the substance was fentanyl, not cocaine, and the police dog nearly died from respiratory distress from a near fatal overdose. Even if the police dog had had a naloxone auto injector, a single dose of that antidote is not usually effective against fentanyl and its derivatives. Ms Chuckworthy has informed me I


have been summoned before The Pumpkin along with other local minions for some ‘Red Wedding.’ I am not looking forward to this event as the script, I mean agenda, supplied states we may not speak of our own mission but only praise Caesar. Still, the music will probably be pretty good.


‘Til next I poke my head up. Gabriel Cinomis


CBRNe Convergence, Indianapolis Motor Speedway, Indiana, USA, 6 - 8 Nov 2017 www.cbrneworld.com/convergence2017 64 CBRNe WORLD June 2017 www.cbrneworld.com


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