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KLMNO
By Trip Payne • Edited by Peter Gordon •
www.fireballcrosswords.com ACROSS
The Post Puzzler No. 17
1 Goya’s naked lady 5 Shirley Temple title role
10 Is South American? 14 Thickener used in ice cream 15 What goes out the window when a riot starts?
16 Cyclops’s team 17 Filling station attendant? 20 Mon do? 21 “Mask” star 22 What a head may be hiding in
26 Language that gave us “cheetah” and “chutney”
NICK GALIFIANAKIS FOR THE WASHINGTON POST
It’s wife vs. mother-in-law, with kids as the hostages
Dear Carolyn: I’m happily married, but the
relationship (or lack thereof) between my wife and mother has been a huge stressor on our marriage for years. My wife feels that from Day Onemy mother didn’t show an interest in getting to know her as a person, hasn’t been welcoming and has been downright rude. My mom feels my wife has blown some things out of proportion and perceived insults where there weren’t meant to be any.
There is some truth to both sides. It
doesn’t help that other family members haven’t always been kind to my wife, either.
My wife has asked me to stick up for her and has asked for an apology. I have stood up for her, and communicated her position to my mom several times. My mom is willing to apologize. Now my wife says she has no interest
in talking to my mom. I sense this is more than just frustration talking. I feel stuck in the middle and have told
both women that my wife comes first, but I don’t want to shut my mom out, either. My wife believes any show of kindness from my mom comes from wanting to see our children. She has said I can go see my family during the holidays, but they will not get to see her or our kids. I think the adult thing would be for
both women to sit down and talk, but when I’ve suggested this, my wife has gotten very upset and accused me of taking my mom’s side. Any advice?
Torn
I would hope that, if your mother has been abusive to your wife, you’d have said so explicitly. Because you don’t say either way, I leave open the possibility. Although it’s good for children to witness — and thereby, ideally, learn to handle — a wide range of behavior from others, it’s hard to argue for any educational value in letting them witness their grandmother abuse their mother. That said, it seems more likely that your mom and wife just clash. In that
CAROLYN HAX
case — and if your mom’s overtures are genuine — your wife lands solidly on the childish side of this divide. I don’t doubt your wife was coolly received, and of course your mom is focused on the grandkids — duh. However, given your wife’s escalation, it’s credible that her personality did rub your folks the wrong way. Seriously — she thinks it’s okay to banish the woman who raised you? And deny her kids a grandma? Without your support for either? Just because she feels wounded? That’s the mark of someone who thinks the world revolves around her. You imply as much with your “more than frustration talking.” Picture your wife someday being kept from her grandchildren by a child-in-law. Do you see her backing down, as your mom is? Your wife rightly comes before your mom, but that doesn’t mean she’s always right. You backed her up. Now, it’s time for her to stand up for you — again, assuming your mom’s behavior hasn’t been unforgivable. If your wife won’t “woman up” and meet with your mom, then she at least needs to release the hostages and let Grandma see your kids. A refusal means it’s referee time: marriage counseling. If your wife’s stance is justified, she’ll have nothing to hide.
Write to Tell Me About It, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or tellme@
washpost.com.
at
www.washingtonpost.com/discussions.
prompts flurry of responses ASK AMY
Letter on layabout grad
Dear Amy: I absolutely agree with your response
to “Fed-Up Mom,” the mother questioning her and her husband’s reaction to their daughter’s lack of post-college drive. My situation, a few years ago, was
similar. I aced high school, partied my way through college, and then crowned myself “king of the house,” although the house was owned by my parents. My parents gave me a timeline to contribute to the household or get out. This was a fair expectation, although I didn’t think it was at the time. It was a bumpy few months, I was angry
for a few years — and then I grew up. Thank you, Mom and Dad!
Proud Adult
I’ve been flooded with responses on this topic ever since running the letter from “Fed-Up Mom.” The poor economy has added a lot of pressure to young graduates. This pressure is passed along to the parents who love their kids (and who have to step over their towels on the bathroom floor). Parenting doesn’t end after college and the tension created when a child moves back home means that a combination of toughness and compassion is called for. It’s tricky.
Dear Amy: I thought your response to “Fed-Up Mom” was in many ways good advice, but it missed the mark. She was worried about her recent college graduate’s lack of motivation.
As a clinical social worker, I heard
“Mom’s” description of her daughter’s behavior as an indication of possible depression. The girl’s lack of motivation, her sleeping until noon, 2 p.m. or even 4 p.m. in particular worried me. It seems to me that this young woman needs to be assessed for depression, and would likely benefit from some
counseling and perhaps antidepressant medication.
D. Goldfogel, LCSW
I agree that depression is a possibility, but I didn’t interpret this girl’s behavior the same way you did. Sleeping the day away can be a consequence of staying up most of the night. People who aren’t occupied during
the day sometimes adjust their schedules as a way to avoid dealing with the long stretch of daylight with too little to do.
Dear Amy: I agree with your advice to “Fed-Up
Mom”that she needs to stop treating her post-college daughter like a kindergartner. But, before she takes all the draconian
steps you recommend, I would encourage her to make sure that her daughter is not depressed. Twenty-five years after graduating from an Ivy League school in the middle of a recession, I realized that my late sleeping and lack of focus were not due to a lack of motivation but depression about the fact that I graduated with a prestigious degree and had no idea what to do with myself. Many years later, I have had two
wonderful careers. But that transition was very difficult, and no one around me had been able to identify what I was experiencing.
Grateful Grad I agree there is a possibility this couch
potato is depressed; she should turn off the TV in order to find out.
Write to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune. com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.
©2010 by the Chicago Tribune Distributed by Tribune Media Services
ONLINE DISCUSSION Carolyn Hax’s weekly Web chat is at noon Fridays
Aries (March 21-April 19) You’re in a funny mood and will have the inclination to joke around. As long as you are aware that others are more sensitive and may not share your ideas about what is funny, you’ll be fine.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) There is always something to smile about. Your positive outlook is attractive. You find more friends when you steer clear of those inclined to dwell on the negative.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) Share your ideas. They may be silly, or
they may be interesting, but they will open up the conversation. Others begin to share as well, and soon the social mix is swirling.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) People want to be your friend because
they trust you. They know you will do what you say you will do. It speaks well of you that you have known certain friends for most of your life.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) You’ll respect people whose opinions
make no sense whatsoever to you. In your book of rules, people are allowed to think thoughts that don’t coincide with
28 “Hi, Claudius” 29 Awards for players 32 First name in Notre Dame coaching
33 Made sense 36 Sand lance look-alike 37 Obliterate 38 British slang for tramps, from the cloth strips used by them in place of socks
39 “The Serpent and the Rope” novelist
40 He wrote the score for “The Lovely Bones”
41 Hypertension drug 42 Plasma alternative, for short 43 Color similar to heliotrope 45 “___ Am” (No. 1 album for Alicia Keys)
46 They’re meaningful to the superstitious
48 Demands 51 Sail on a xebec 53 Schoolteacher, at times
ANSWER TO LAST WEEK’S PUZZLE US A AP U
ZA F T I G
PUS H P I N LAVER N E BE L A T E D OX I D A N T OMA R RE P A I D DE B WE N D S ROD S PE R U LI S T
S FU S E S
B E TH A T AS I T M A Y PAN C A K E B A T T E R
FO R S O M ER E A S O N ROR E M
AR BU S
EL I S MO R N PLE A S ESC TI L T A T ED G Y DI A M O N D TR I E D O N ODD L O T S HE A P I N G ME E K L Y
YE N EY E
TODAY’S HOROSCOPE Holiday Mathis
your sense of reason. Vive la différence!
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The environment gets stuffy, and this is not about the air quality. Stodgy attitudes require a shake-up, and you’re just the one to do it. Loosen up your body language. That might be enough to change the mood. If not, start dancing.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) You are sincerely complimentary. You notice things and want to express what you see. Do this with a light touch. You don’t want to come across as though you are trying too hard to be nice.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) You go into this week on a high note.
You’ll have terrific energy. Your warmth and intelligence will endear you to new people and secure your place in the hearts of those who already know you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You may see someone behaving in a less than congenial manner. A situation may be unpleasant, and the reactions you see are not ideal. But that doesn’t mean that the people involved are all bad.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) CUL DE SAC Richard Thompson
Unconditional love is the deepest kind. Offer this powerful energy to yourself. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. If you can’t or won’t, it will be impossible for you to offer it to anyone else.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) You’ll be playing it cool today. You’re through with trying to fit in. You will place yourself on an even keel with everyone else and be accepted without question. Others open up and share with you.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) You’ll be doing what you do best, and
your actions will radiate style. If you could only experience yourself objectively, you would be most impressed. You’re a class act.
TODAY’S BIRTHDAY | AUG. 1: Your horizons expand with the valuable connections you make this month. Do take care of your existing relationships, too — you’ll raise your social status as you become a consummate practitioner of good etiquette and excellent manners. A deal closes in October — you win! December is a financial high. Cancer and Sagittarius people adore you. © 2010, Creators Syndicate
51 52 56
60 63
61 64
56 Very extensively 60 Subcompact 61 Bull associated with bonding
62 Regard impolitely 63 Coalition 64 Donor designation 65 Like some signals and stomachs
DOWN
1 Anti-DUI gp. 2 Antiquing aid 3 Barack Obama’s secretary of homeland security
4 French playwright Antonin who advocated the Theater of Cruelty
5 Composer of “The Hymn of Jesus”
6 Chronology component 7 They’re often carried near bills
8 Montreal’s Place ___ Arts 9 Like hurling
10 Panegyrizes 11 Fraction 12 Bazaar sight
15
13 Animated fi lm with a queen
18 Brijuni Islands setting 19 Fjord fl ankers 23 Pretentious sorts: Var. 24 It was once named Peak XV 25 “Me Talk Pretty One Day” humorist
26 Some kind of a nut 27 Isfahan inhabitant 30 Be homesick, say 31 Taj Mahal lineup 34 Mafi a leader 35 Sch. in Athens or its bulldog mascot
44 Lacking in pizazz 47 Seat of Idaho’s Latah County
49 Map closeup 50 In ___ diagnosis 51 Name on a ReNu bottle 52 Indigo source 54 “___ à Nice” (1971 live album)
55 Be ripe 57 Using devices 58 Sitting challenge 59 Service center?
1234 56789 10 11 12 13 14 17 20
16 18 21 22
26 27 32
37 40
43 48 44 49 57 58 59
62 65
33 34
38 41
45
50 53
46 47 54 55 23 24 25 28 35 29 36
39 42
30 31 19
SUNDAY, AUGUST 1, 2010
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